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Your fears might leave your relationship open to an affair.
By Mary Knight
Last updated on Jan 26, 2024
Whether it's micro-cheating or a full-blown affair, you may not realize your behavior might be driving him away — even if he isn't cheating on you.
When you're so busy asking questions like, "Is he cheating on me?" you miss out on your behavior that is distancing and hurting your relationship even worse.
You may be missing some huge red flags in your behavior that are leaving your relationship open to an affair because of your fear.
Here are 3 ways you drive your husband to cheat on you, according to a former escort:
1. You expect more from him when it comes to communicating (with less room for messing up)
You may often feel jealous or out of control because your man doesn’t communicate the way you think he should.
Men can seem dismissive, distracted, and unresponsive, and women may take that to mean you’re being dismissed, you’re unimportant, and you aren't being heard. None of those feelings build trust and intimacy.
It’s not hard to go from that point to, "He must be hiding something from me," which makes you insecure in your relationship and concerned that he's cheating.
This, in turn, may lead you to lash out or accuse him of something when you're angry or upset.
Most men have tunnel vision when on the computer, watching television, or reading ... and they are not multitaskers. It’s not because they're lazy or self-centered; it’s how their brains are “wired.” This might lead to them seeming dismissive when you talk.
Be sure when you approach him with an issue, you have his undivided attention. A quick “Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” is typically all it takes.
When you call him, ask if it’s a good time to talk. He might not be able to get into an in-depth conversation just because he answered.
If he's busy — especially at work — he may have to interrupt you, which never feels good to either of you, even for a legitimate reason.
Many men only answer because they see it's you and think the call might be urgent. Others may only pick up because they fear the flack they’ll get if they don’t.
Could you give him the space to let you know if he can talk at that moment?
This is what you do with your friends, clients, coworkers, bosses, or anyone you show consideration. A simple check of, "Can you talk for a minute?" might save you both a lot of heartache and not leave you worrying that he's cheating on you.
2. You take out your insecurities and jealousness on him
Jealousy can also cause double standards in communications. Men shared with me that women were open to talking about everything under the sun, but when it came to intimate needs, they often felt shamed and shut down when they tried to bring up their desires.
For instance, if your man asks you to dress up for him, perhaps put your hair up and dress like a high-powered executive, or even that you wear some flattering yoga gear as you walk around the house, you may be concerned he's dressing you as someone that he wants to sleep with or is having an affair/fantasies of cheating, but this often isn't the case.
If he’s comfortable enough to ask you to do special intimate things with him, then you’re doing something right!
By playing along with the fantasy, if you’re OK with what he wants, you have his attention, trust, and intimate energy. Jealousy will ruin this bond.
Photo via Getty
3. You're not listening when he speaks to you
Women like to think they're great communicators in relationships, but good communication starts with good listening. Many men I met with as an escort didn't feel the women in their lives were good listeners.
As a woman, you may tend to personalize ( or make stories about) what men share instead of just listening.
You may think if he wants you to participate in an activity, then it must mean you aren’t good enough as you are.
If you can take that “it’s all about me” mindset and put it aside, you can learn a lot about your man in every way — not just physically.
One way to open the lines to deeper communication is to admit when you feel jealous without blaming him for how your feelings.
Try something like, “When you talk about me dressing up like a businesswoman, I couldn’t help but think you wanted me to dress like someone you're attracted to at work. As silly as it might sound to you, I felt so jealous!”
Don’t worry about being right or wrong or seek comfort from him. Instead, state your feelings without accusation or looking for him to fix or justify his words.
You can then start to focus on enjoying that he shared something he finds arousing with you. Whether you agree with his fantasy or not, he’ll feel connected to you because you allowed him to be open without judging him.
Don't let miscommunications and worries about cheating drive a wedge between the two of you.
Although super simple, these potent methods can help you find your peace, keep your power, and bring your man that much closer.
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Mary Eriksen is a master Law of Attraction coach, meditation instructor, and the bestselling author of How to Keep Your Man Out of My Bed: A Call Girl’s Best Advice for Capturing Your Man's Undying Adoration, Love & Loyalty.