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Don't let sadness overwhelm you.
By Elizabeth Stone — Last updated on Feb 27, 2023
If you struggle to achieve authentic happiness, you're not alone.
Everyone feels bad sometimes, but it's important to learn how to feel better and actually understand why you feel like you can't be happy.
The key to a true pursuit of happiness lies in practicing self-care — and that means more than occasionally getting a mani-pedi.
It's how you practice good mental health and protect your emotions.
Today, let’s talk about how to feel better, right away, without having to book a trip to Tahiti or win the lotto.
Whether you’re going through a rough spot in your relationship, going through a breakup, or just want to shake off a case of the blues, you may be struggling to feel better.
Here are three of the simplest tips to help you feel better fast — no therapy required:
1. Don't let negativity overwhelm you
Looking at the wall when you’re racing a car will lead you to slam right into that wall. The first step in becoming happier and lighter is to notice your emotional starting point.
I speak from experience when I say that feeling fear, doubt, and lack will wreck everything you care about. If you start allowing fear into your relationships, you will ruin everything.
That’s why the first step after you’re aware of negative emotion is to allow the emotion and then talk yourself down. Whether something has happened to trigger it or not, talk yourself through the negativity.
Your life goes where your mind goes. Same with your relationship. If you’re constantly afraid they’re going to leave you, you’re going to act unattractively and you’ll drive them away.
If you’re going around thinking about how unfulfilled you’re feeling or how you’re not getting your needs met, guess what you’re going to get more of — the condition of not having your needs met.
Just like when you buy a blue car and suddenly you’re seeing them everywhere. We can get metaphysical and woo-woo about this or not, but it’s a truth — whatever you focus on, you’ll get more of it.
But you’ve got to start catching yourself before you can change it.
2. Change your focus
If your default emotions are negative, you’re going to get more negativity and lack. Instead, start looking forward and thinking about what you really want.
So often in life, you're just reacting, not thinking about how to have a peak experience of any kind, or considering what you actually might want.
You have a thought or feeling and just go with that rather than actually stopping to logically consider what you want and where you actually want to go. Something happens, we feel hurt and we try to move away from that hurt.
Or we do something, and it doesn’t feel the way we expected, so we run.
This reactive position might get us temporarily away from pain, but it’s a sidebar path that doesn’t have a goal attached. Instead of acting, we’re reacting.
Instead, move your focus to achieve that, rather than whatever fleeting feeling you’re having at the moment. If you’re feeling unfulfilled, dwelling on that is counterproductive.
Want to feel fulfilled? Do fulfilling actions. Move toward fulfillment instead of away from a negative feeling.
That leads me to the next point. Since wide-sweeping change is usually not a one-day process, you’ll have to stick with this.
3. Celebrate the process, not the results
Think about going to the gym. If you want to get fitter or stronger, you can’t simply look at a picture of a fitness model and say, “That,” snap your fingers and have it appear, right?
It’s the same with feeling better. Reward yourself for maintaining a positive mindset while you’re having that mindset.
Back to the gym example, if you darken the door of the gym and show up, be excited about showing up.
Make the success about showing up. If you keep showing up, you add to the chain and build self-esteem around what you’re trying to improve.
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Elizabeth Stone is an author, dating coach, and personal development coach who helps women restore themselves in order to improve their relationships.