My Husband Watchs Pornography Instead Of Having Sex With Me

Karen comments on the article “Reasons why a husband does not what to have sex with his wife” an article that continues to get comments daily from both men and women about their sexless marriages.

- I don't know what is wrong with my husband anymore. We have been together 17 years and out of those 17 only one of them is where I felt sexually satisfied. There have been some things we have overcome, like his addiction to porn and masturbation He always maintained that fact that his just has a low libido and he doesn't think about sex that much. For years, I have heard him complain that he is too tired, even though he has had all kinds of jobs in which in worked in the day, evening and at night. Before we had kids, he was too tired and even though the kids are now school aged, he is still too tired! The only time we do have sex it when he wants to, which is about one a twice a month. I end up usually feeling used afterwards because he does his thing and it's over. For the last year we have been in counseling and we get along better but the sex is still the same. The therapist says I must accept, he has a lower sex drive but that doesn't stop me from thinking about sex all the time and wishing I had the courage to have an affair, without losing the best friend I ever had! To keep myself satisfied, I take care of myself, while my husband sleeps in the bed next to me. I also dress conservatively not to attract anyone. When we talk about it, all he says is that he is sorry and he will try to treat me better and he knows how important sex is and he does want to have sex with me, but rather watch TV or sleep. BTW, we are in our 30's, he is not gay, however he is overweight and I feel lonely.

Hi Karen, first thank you for the comment on my article and sharing your life with others. As a Clinical Sexologist and Relationship Counselor, I must say that the conclusion of your therapy appointment was inconclusive. Saying that your husband has a low sex drive and you should deal with it is ridiculous. There are so many solutions to low sexual desire, but from what you wrote it does not seem that he has low sexual desire, but situational lack of desire in the marriage and this is the real problem. The sexual intimacy that the two of you should be sharing is not there. The fact that he is watching pornography and masturbating shows that he does have a sex drive but chooses to be watching porn instead of having sex with you, his wife. Have you spoken to your husband about what turns him on his sexually? Do you know what type of pornography he is watching? The fact that the porn has replaced the sex in the marriage is a much deeper issue than him just saying it is “lack of desire” as well as the fact that the two of you only have sex about once a month. There is no sexual intimacy involved in the marriage at all.

This leads me to believe that either your husband has a sexual fetish that he does not feel comfortable telling you about or that he has grown board with your life and does not know how to improve upon it. Either way these problems need to be resolved, as you stated you will eventually have an affair or leave the marriage.

Lastly, marriage is about two people working together on the relationship. Part of marriage is pleasing each other sexually and having that sexual intimacy, otherwise you may as well just be roommates. I suggest that you sit down and talk with him about the fact that if he is not willing to work on the intimacy in the marriage than you want to leave the marriage. I have helped hundreds of couples save their marriage and greatly improve the sexual intimacy in their marriage. I have outlined some of the steps in the article http://www.squidoo.com/how-to-have-better-intimacy-in-your-marriage both of you should take the time to read the article and go through the steps. During counseling sessions with couples I outline each step and then we meet to talk about the progress and any questions that they may come up, but you can also try this on your own and see how it works. Taking the time to do these steps and then opening up with one another after and sharing your feelings is a way to begin to heal your marriage.

Dr. Dawn Michael is an international certified clinical sexologist and relationship expert.  She is the co-owner of The Sexual Health and Wellness Center in Southern California. Her writing has appeared on Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Huffington Post, Fox News and NBC News. You can reach her at www.thehappyspouse.com and follow her on Twitter.