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Few things are as understandably frustrating as being tested by someone you truly care about.
By Kaitlin Kaiser
Last updated on Dec 19, 2023
It's not uncommon for a woman to feel like she is being tested somehow by the man she is involved with. According to Robert Creeley, who wrote a poem called "For Love," this type of behavior may have to do with the uncontrollable ambiguity that comes with the sensation of falling in love.
Why do men test woman they love?
Some men test women because they feel helpless as they become more and more vulnerable to being hurt. They are looking to protect themselves by checking to see if their flaws will cause you to walk away.
The first three stanzas of Creeley's poem state: “Yesterday I wanted to speak of it, that sense above the others to me important because all that I know derives from what it teaches me. Today, what is it that is finally so helpless, different, despairs of its own statement, wants to turn away, endlessly to turn away.”
He is speaking about how being in love makes him feel helpless, and how helplessness can sometimes make you want to denounce your feelings altogether rather than take the risk of being hurt.
Here are three common ways a man may use psychological games to test a woman that he loves.
1. He fails to call when he says he will.
Let's say for example, your boyfriend says he is going to call you later before bed. You wait up an extra hour but the phone never rings. This is a moment where you can feel tested by your man.
You try to step in time to the delicate dance you think he is choreographing, careful not to move too quickly or too slowly in response. Do you yell at him and demand an explanation? Do you mention it in jest, flirting that he is so forgetful? Do you not bring it up at all.
One thing you have to keep in mind is that the snub of the forgotten phone call likely isn't intentional. The likely reason is that he fell asleep watching TV, or that he got busy and lost track of time, or that he forgot. Your response to this should be gauged on pattern and motivation.
If he always calls you and didn't just this one time, perhaps it is not worth mentioning. If he is constantly forgetting and blowing you off, perhaps you need to evaluate if he is making your relationship a priority.
You must also measure the level of trust you have in your partner. Why does it bother you that he forgot to call? Do you think he didn't call because he was with someone else? Is there something he did to allude to the prospect of his unfaithfulness? Or are you carrying around your own insecurities about being mistreated, and are you projecting these feelings on him?
2. He excludes you from plans.
Another way you could feel tested in your relationship is if you feel like an isolated part of his life.
Perhaps you haven't met his friends or his family. Perhaps you two have a routine; you only go to specific places on specific days. Perhaps you feel like he is hiding you. If this is the case, it certainly requires an immediate discussion.
No one deserves to be made to feel like their partners' guilty pleasure. It can make us feel needy and vulnerable to expose our insecurities this way, which can silence us. But if your partner is a true partner, they likely don't realize they are making you feel this way.
If cloaking your relationship is intentional, then you can reevaluate if that is the kind of relationship you want to be in. Don't let your partner's insecurities become your own.
3. He tells everyone your business.
Conversely, your partner can be too public with your relationship.
Perhaps he is sharing too much of your personal lives on social media, or maybe he is way too interested in PDA. Maybe he says, "I love you" too quickly. But sometimes his overzealousness can prove to be a test for you.
In these moments you have to weigh your relationship timetable against the sentiment he is portraying. Do you have strong feelings for him? Is it too soon or are you just scared?
Are you afraid of his strong feelings because you feel like you don't deserve such a big love? Are you turned off by his big feelings for you, because if he finds you so easy to love so quickly, then something must be wrong with him?
If you think that perhaps he is coming on too strong, it may be time to let this one go.
You can talk to him about PDA and keeping your relationship private. These are ego hits sometimes, but you can move past them in a relationship. But if you don't love him, or you don't love him enough, it is your responsibility to let him go.
The ways that men can test women are often the same ways women test men.
All psychological tricks and games are rooted in insecurity.
We want to see how deeply our counterpoint cares for us, without ever showing our hand. But all of these occurrences are acts of manipulation. As soon as we let manipulation enter into our relationships, we open the door for trust to sneak out.&
While some people may not say a lot about testing each other romantically, it does say quite a bit about honesty and trusting your partner.
The best way to feel secure in your relationship is to take stock of who you want your partner to be for you and use that to become the best partner you can be for them.
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Kaitlin Kaiser is a writer who covers astrology, spirituality, love and relationships.