Boob Masks EXIST To Prevent Sagging (And Make Your Vagina Tingle)

It's important to take care of your skin, especially your boob skin.

Now that I'm in my 30s, my life is an epic quest to prevent the rapid and visible appearance of my impending and inevitable death.

So trust me, I know the stress we are all under to pretend like we're not aging. 

Not only is your skin is an organ, it's the only organ that the general public can see. Keeping it moist and firm and healthy and cancer-free isn't just vanity, it's common sense. 

So I try to take really good care of my skin.

I've been obsessed with taking care of mine since an equally skin vain friend told me about neck wrinkles when we were both fifteen. I should have been stealing sips of beers and not wearing a bra to parties but instead I was sampling face masks and making sure I stayed hydrated. Ridiculous. Youth is truly wasted on the young. 

Except there's one stretch of my skin that I've been ignoring for decades. 

My boob skin. 

Moisturizing your breasts might seem like the activity of a horny housewife in a soft-core porno, but it's vital as you get older, if you want your boobs to stay firm and healthy. 

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In your 30s, collagen, which is responsible for the elastic give and bounce back of our skin, starts to retire (presumably to Florida). This is one of the reasons for visible wrinkles. 

You know what to do to keep wrinkles at bay on your face (cleanse, tone, moisturize, wear sunscreen, visit your dermatologist, etc). But how do you keep your boobs from looking matronly and prematurely old? 

Ladies and men who enjoy reading about boobs, I'm pleased to report that boob masks are officially a thing, making your whole boob skin-care routine a lot easier.

That's right, surely it was only a matter of a time. 

It started with Korean face masks, which have blown up the scene in the states. Vagina masks weren't far behind. Is it any surprise that people are now making and selling masks designed to rest on your boobs in the hopes of keeping them supple looking and feeling? I think not. 

As readers of this site already may know, I tried putting a face mask on my vagina and was surprisingly delighted with the results. So I did the same for my boobs. 

There are masks you can go out and buy that are designed specifically for the rack, for I do not get paid for another couple of days and I already had face masks on hand. 

Amazon

As with the vagina masks, make sure if you pick appropriate masks for your boobs, so you have options of firming, soothing, moisturizing as needed. You don't want to irritate the sensitive nipple skin. 

Not only was I pleased with the way my boobs looked and felt after I removed my makeshift boob masks (yes, I used a sheet on either breast, I have massive mams, it was necessary) but I was also pleased to discover that the entire experience left my vagina feeling a little bit tingly.

I solemnly swear that I have never before been sexually aroused by my skincare routine. 

It's great that boob masks exist, and it's even better that the Korean skincare regime has made Americans take our own skincare more seriously. But I think it's totally fine to never used a boob in your entire life. If you have a simple, fragrance-free moisturizer at home that will work every bit as well as a mask design to keep your boobs supple, and it's probably nicer to the environment (less trash being produced, after all). 

So don't neglect your boobs, and when in doubt, put a Korean face mask on it.