Photo: Nomad_Soul / Shutterstock
Not a good look.
By The Good Men Project — Written on Apr 26, 2022
You might not know the truth even as you’re living it. Each day passes into the next and you remain oblivious, always living and trying your hardest with the kernel of fear in your heart.
Maybe you’ve gotten used to ignoring your failing relationships, this dread as it picks at you, boring into you.
I was you. I understand.
Right after my first divorce, I said yes.
Inside I knew the time wasn’t right, I knew my heart was too trampled to even embark on a love adventure. To my credit, I had said no once, but then quickly and without hesitation, I dove into a shaky “yes” on the second reply.
The “yes” turned into another relationship, one whose demise I should have seen coming like a herd of majestic fantasies over the horizon, silhouetted against the sun. My hand against my forehead, I shielded my eyes and turned away.
Knowing the end was coming, even as the beginning merely bloomed.
5 Nasty Traits Of Desperate, Failing Relationships
Years have passed bringing an introspection you can only gain through multiple sunsets. I know how to identify the traits of the desperate relationship — and now you will, too.
1. Fear
When you are honest with yourself, you will note the fear like a tide lapping at you. You may see it after many months, and when you do, be gentle to yourself in your recriminations.
You did not enter knowingly and with the will to hurt your partner. You responded out of the various fears that were too much to bear in your life.
And, as the saying goes, you can only do what you are capable of at the moment... or something like that. Meaning, you had fewer tools to handle anxieties than you might now. Forgive yourself and use this lesson for your future.
2. Incapability of being alone
It takes you back to almost primitive emotions, the thought of being lonely, bored, a failure at not finding and keeping a mate when all around you people are partnering up like it’s the rapture.
One of the disservices we impart on our children is the failure to teach them the difference between being lonely and being alone. Loneliness is associated with abandonment, isolation, and the loss of friends. Being alone is simply a person who is without company.
Can you live in your home without company? Of course, you can.
Serving only you, and beholden to only your needs and wants, it’s actually a lovely existence. It makes you stronger as a person and helps to distill what you need in your life to be your happiest.
Be alone at least once; try for a year, six months at a minimum.
3. Sadness
The smile on your face? Pasted. The light in your eyes? Dim. Are you with someone who might be kind, might be intelligent, and funny, but who does nothing to illuminate your soul?
I’m not talking about a relationship where the love has fizzled due to busy schedules and raising children, where the passion still flickers, but conference calls collide.
I mean, whenever you are with your partner you start to dream of what it could be like to really feel alive in love, or "love" as I like to refer to it. "Alove" is a spark reigniting over time, whose flame grows low periodically, but never burns out.
If you do not have this enduring passion, it’s time to take action. Because you both deserve that flare, that feeling that the world is made of magic.
4. Obligation
Nope, nope and nope. I don’t care if you are bound by family, children, mortgage, illness, or codependency. The obligation is never a reason to remain.
Yes, if you have children, try your hardest if it is worth it. Children mean family, and family means you take consideration where you might not otherwise.
So be careful with your decisions and make sure they are deliberate and thought out, not whims arising out of anger or vengeance. Your littles deserve that.
If you have taken every action to keep your family together, and nothing is working and you are all miserable, it’s okay to pull the plug.
5. Messiness
Divorce and separation are messy. Determining a way to travel from point A to C, without having a clue of what B might look like, is daunting.
But you don’t have to know all the answers at this very moment. You don’t have to create two separate households out of thin air. You take it one day at a time.
You start with smaller goals and gather information for your next steps. And, most importantly, you have faith, because when you are fighting for your right to happiness these little actions, the housekeeping, the calls to lawyers, the research, it’s all inconsequential.
These actions are merely a check box next to an item on a list, attainable when you enter into your new reality with a calm mind and heart.
It might take a life-shattering illness nipping at the life you have built for yourself. It might take the close call of losing everything, or a job downsized and a stark financial situation, or it might take quiet contemplation.
Once you realize you are in a desperate relationship, it’s time to get real with yourself and your goals for the future. Because one thing desperate relationships endure is that they don’t.
More for You:
Hilary Lauren Jastram is a freelance writer and author of 'Killing Karl' and 'Sick Success: The Entrepreneur's Prescription to Turning Pain into Purpose and Profit'. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook.
This article was originally published at The Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.