It's all about your energy ...
“Was it ever real?," you wonder.
Sobbing, you roll over to grab your 150th tissue and continue obsessing.
If we don’t stay in love forever, was it even love in the first place?
If so, what does that really mean?
I thought I was picking the right man, but he turned out to be so wrong for me. Is there someone else out there that is meant for me?”
Here’s a perspective you’ve likely never thought of…
Soulmates are two souls that match. Not two egos.
The soul is the light within you that you feel to be the very best part of you. It’s a real energy aspect of you — just as real as the heartbreak you feel right now. But it’s not physical, any more than your heart is literally, physically, torn in half right now. The physical self is more the ego self.
Soulmates are souls who have agreed to meet in the physical plane for some higher purpose.
Sometimes it’s to learn something, to grow spiritually. Other times it’s to be of service in a different way. At all times, it’s for unconditional love and mutual support.
It’s the soul that loves unconditionally. And it’s at this level that love is everlasting. Always.
But at the level of the physical, it can be different.
What if you really were meant to marry your first husband? Did you learn something important that made you grow in a way you would have never grown otherwise?
I have never been in such emotional despair as I was in the months before I left my first marriage.
Yet the very night I met him, I told my college roommate that I just knew he was the man I was “supposed to” marry. I just knew deep in my heart that we would be married. And I was right.
About nine years later we were divorced, and I was pretty much where you are now, sobbing and doubting, and wondering if I could ever trust again, another man, or any feeling of love.
I ended up single for over ten years. Dating, but never having that feeling.
Then suddenly I met another man, and again I just knew. Just like the first time, I came home from our date and told my friend that I just knew we would be married. And again, I was right. And we’ve been married for 15 years.
Now in my fifties, as I reflect upon this struggle you are having with love, I realize what I learned in that first marriage, and what I am learning now.
In my twenties, I lost myself in my relationship — thinking it was love to sacrifice what I wanted for what he wanted, to compromise away just about everything I held most dear.
I have only myself to blame for that.
Love demands of us that we continue to love ourselves equally in our relationships, because if we don’t, we lose all sense of self and wither until we die inside.
How can we love anyone else, when we feel dead inside?
We can’t. I learned that lesson the hard way. I hope you don’t have to.
But what a loving lesson that was for me to learn.
My first soulmate in this lifetime gave me the opportunity to love him, a very intense soul, without losing myself. And though I failed to do so the first time, because of that experience, I eventually did learn to “hold my light steady." Gradually, I came to remember my deepest nature as a soul, and to learn how to never let that part of me extinguish.
When I met my current husband, I was forty-one, and candidly, I was so busy trying to establish the career of my soul’s true purpose (finally!), that I wasn’t even looking to date, much less find a husband. Yet, the Universe provided. It was as if the Universe smiled lovingly down upon me, and seeing my progress in learning how to really live who I was as a soul, sent another soulmate my way.
I had only just moved to Colorado a few weeks prior, post masters in counseling psychology, and suddenly there he was. By the following year, we were married.
This time I have never lost faith in my deepest nature as a soul.
This time I have been so overflowing with unconditional love for myself, that I have always had plenty left over for him, and others.
It is this kind of love that is everlasting, infinitely patient, and has the quality of “freedom” characteristic of the highest kind of love.
It has helped us get through the toughest of times … jobs coming and going, plummeting and recovering economies, health insurance stressors and cancer treatments that left us angry and arguing. But love has persisted because each of us has within our own self a strong foundation, a love for self and other that simply refuses to die.
So what would I want you to know right now, about love, relationships, soul mates and how it might last forever?
Relationships are always energy matches.
If you are a rescuer, you will attract people to rescue.
If you are needy, you will attract fixers.
If you glow with love, you will attract others who glow with love.
Don’t confuse lust and love. Lust is a chemical response to new physical stimulation. It doesn’t last beyond about six to eighteen months. It simply tells you that there is a physical energy match between you. But with all things physical, you will develop a “tolerance” and will need to change it up a bit to feel the same stimulation.
Love is physical, emotional, mental AND spiritual.
When you truly love another, their needs and passions at each of these levels are as important to you as your own. Trying to lure, change, fix, control, or manipulate them is not love.
Love requires a strong foundation. Love isn’t for the weak of heart. Live who you really are. Don’t lose faith in your own soul. Hold this kind of unconditional love for yourself, so that your foundation within is strong enough to persist through tough times.
Love in, love out.
The more you love yourself unconditionally, the more you allow yourself the conditions in which you thrive, the more love you will radiate outward to all of those who know you.
Show up. If you aren’t being “you," then how do you expect to attract a mate that really loves you for who you are? They won’t be able to even see you. When you really allow yourself to be vulnerable enough, so that you are really “you” in the world, then the partner who specifically matches you can, and will, find you.
It is healthy love that endures.
The healthier you are, the healthier of a mate you will attract. And a “healthy” mate is healthy enough in body, mind and soul.
Be the loving soul that you really are inside, and practice trusting that the Universe will send you the very soulmate that is the perfect match for you.
Valerie Varan, MS, LPC, NCC is available internationally for those who seek spiritual-based guidance and direction. Call her at 303-547-8327. Check out www.ValerieVaran.com, and follow her on www.Facebook.com/valerievaranlpc. For more about her licensed professional counseling at her Denver area private practice, visit www.HeartLivingSpirit.com.