To have a fulfilling, hot sex life, it's essential to get honest about your most authentic desires.
Once you know what you want out of your sex life, you're much more likely to get it! Plus, exploring your sexual fantasies gives you valuable insight into your true desires.
Of course, once you know what you want, you need to share your desires with your lover.
This can be a scary step for a lot of people. (Most couples rarely talk about sex, let alone share openly about their desires.) But if you can achieve open communication with your lover, your sex life's potential multiplies.
Think about planning a trip to a new city. If you had two days to explore the city, would you just show up and wander around? Or plan exactly what you want to see and do ahead of time? Planning doesn't eliminate spontaneity — it actually INCREASES the possibility of meaningful encounters. If you're a foodie, you might identify the great outdoor market and take notes about when it is open. If you love art, you'd know where the museums are.
Planning your erotic life is no different. You can spend your life having sex without any plan, simply hoping that you find fulfillment. Or you can get specific about what you want to experience and actually have a wildly satisfying sex life.
When you're in a relationship, you MUST talk about your sexual desires if you want a fulfilling sex life.
Is your partner defensive when you try to talk about sex?
Communicating about your desires can be an incredibly intimate and romantic process. Much is in how you approach one another's vulnerability and disclosures. You'll discover parts of your lover you never knew were there, clear up assumptions and misconceptions, and shatter patterns that don't serve you anymore. Make no mistake, discussing and negotiating your desires together changes your relationship — for the better.
Before you start talking about sex, agree to be as open-minded and non-judgmental as possible.
Be curious! This isn't a critique of your existing sex life; rather, it's a map leading to even more pleasure and intimacy. These conversations are great on a walk, at a dinner date, or during a road trip. Dare to talk about sex whenever you have a private moment together.
If you are new to sharing your desires, start with simple questions.
1. What are your favorite kinds of full body touch — featherlight or deep massage?
2. Are there any parts of your body that you want touched more often?
3. What kinds of daily affection make you feel most loved?
Once successfully begin communicating about sex and desires, start deepening your conversation into more intimate topics.
4. What is something you've always wanted to try but have never done before?
5. Would you ever want to be blindfolded or tied up — or do the tying?
6. What is something you did when you were younger but haven't tried in awhile?
7. Is there a scene from a movie that really turns you on?
The most important thing is to establish open, friendly and relaxed conversation about sex.
The more you talk about sex as a couple, the more freedom and honesty you'll find when it comes to asking for what you want.
Ready to take it one step further? Find out how to set erotic goals together! Our book The Fantasy Method is an interactive guide to exploring your fantasies, naming your desires and setting erotic goals with your lover!