To have a fulfilling sex life, it's essential to get honest about your most authentic desires. Once you know what you want out of your sex life, you are much more likely to get it! And plus, exploring your sexual fantasies can give you valuable insight into your true desires.
Of course, once you know what you want, you need to share your desires with your lover. This can be a scary step for a lot of people. Most couples rarely talk about sex, let alone share openly about their desires. But if you can achieve open communication with your lover, the potential of your sex life multiplies.
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Think about planning a trip to a new city. If you had two days to explore the city, would you just show up and wander around? Or would you spend some time reading about the city, researching great restaurants, looking at photos, and coming up with a list of what you want to see and do? Planning doesn't eliminate spontaneity; it actually increases the possibility of having meaningful encounters. If you are a food lover, you might identify the great outdoor market and take notes about when it is open. If you love art, you'd know where the museums are.
Planning your erotic life is no different. You can spend your life having sex without any plan, and hope that you find fulfillment. Or you can get specific about what you want to experience and actually have a wildly satisfying sex life.
When you are in a relationship, you must talk about your sexual desires if you want a fulfilling sex life! Does your partner get defensive when you try to talk about sex? Listen to our podcast episode, How to Share Desires With A Defensive Partner!
Communicating about your desires can be an incredibly intimate and romantic process, or it can set off fights and arguments. Much is in how you approach one another's vulnerability and disclosures. You will discover parts of your lover you never knew were there. You will clear up assumptions and misconceptions. You'll shatter patterns that don't serve you any longer. Make no mistake, discussing and negotiating your desires together can change your relationship. In our experience, it is almost always for the better.
Before you start talking about sex, agree to be as open-minded and nonjudgmental as possible. Approach with the spirit of curiosity! Getting to know what your lover wants is not a critique of your existing sex life, but rather a map leading to even more pleasure and intimacy. These conversations are great while going on a walk, on a dinner date, or to pass the miles on a long road trip! Dare to talk about sex whenever you have a private moment together!
If you are new to sharing your desires, start with simple questions:
- What are your favorite kinds of full body touch? Do you like featherlight touch? Do you prefer deep massage?
- Are there any parts of your body that you want touched more often?
- What kinds of daily affection make you feel most loved?
Once you have successfully begun communicating about sex and desires, you can start deepening your conversation into more intimate topics:
- What is something you've always wanted to try and never done before?
- Would you ever want to be blindfolded or tied up? Or do the tying?
- What is something you did when you were younger but haven't tried in a long time?
- Is there a scene from a movie that really turns you on?
The most important thing is to establish open, friendly and relaxed conversation about sex. The more you talk about sex as a couple, the more freedom and honesty you'll find when it comes to asking for what you want.
Ready to take it one step further? Find out how to set erotic goals together! We set goals in so many arenas of life: finances, career, health. All the experts agree that setting goals is how to achieve amazing feats. What would happen if you and your lover set erotic goals together? Our book The Fantasy Method is an interactive guide to exploring your fantasies, naming your desires and setting erotic goals with your lover!
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