Let’s face it: sometimes you are simply not in the mood for sex. More specifically, not in the mood for intercourse. Being penetrated is an intense physical and emotional experience, and there are times when it is simply out of the question. So when your lover initiates sex, nudging up to you as you go to bed or seducing you in broad daylight, what are your options? Most of the time, we simply dodge sex by declaring “sorry, honey, I’m not in the mood.” Most of us are in relationships where sexual intimacy of any kind tends to end with intercourse, and so if we aren’t in the mood for intercourse we avoid intimacy all together.
This kind of avoidance can quickly lead to resentment and alienation from your partner. No one likes to feel rejected, and if you say “not tonight” too often you may end up, like about 20% of married couples, in a sexless marriage. But you should never have intercourse when you are not in the mood. So what are your options when your partner is feeling lusty and you are not? Here are 3 alternatives to intercourse that will create intimacy and build trust with your lover, without requiring you to compromise your own needs or boundaries.
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Alternative to Intercourse #1: Exchange Massage
Massage is one of the most luxurious forms of intimacy, and when you know how to give your lover an amazing massage, it opens up whole new possibilities for erotic connection. If you are too stressed out for sex, perhaps your lover is willing to give you a relaxing back massage. In just five or ten minutes, you can totally shift your body chemistry and may find that you are suddenly feeling lusty. Whether or not you end up making love, exchanging massage will give you the chance to connect physically with your lover, feel taken care of and nourish both your body and your relationship. As sex educators, we offer a line of couples massage video guides because we believe it is one of the foundations of an erotic relationship and can be one of the best tools for phenomenal foreplay or as an alternative to intercourse.
Alternative to Intercourse #2: Give Him a Hand
If you are open to sharing an erotic experience but aren’t in the mood to be touched, take the opportunity to lavish him in attention. Taking turns giving and receiving is a powerful way to share a sexual experience without the pressure of reciprocity. So if your man is in the mood and you are ready to take control and be the “Giver,” get him to relax in bed and make the agreement that just for now, touch is a one-way experience. He will feel the desire to touch you and this can create a strong craving that can be a delicious tease. Next, touch his entire body, press your body into his, nibble and kiss him in all his favorite places. Then, take his pleasure into your own hands and give him a skilled, confident handjob. Stroke and caress him with a variety of moves, extend his arousal until he is quivering on the edge of release, and then look into his eyes and let him have it. Giving your man one-way pleasure will do wonders for your relationship - and when you are in the mood for receiving pleasure you can invite him to return the favor. All too often, sex is understood to be a reciprocal, all-or-nothing proposal. Switch it up once in awhile and notice how much more frequently you’ll be able to exchange intense pleasure and share intimacy when the pressure for intercourse is released. Want to build your skills and learn proven techniques for being the best he’s ever had? Check out The Pleasure Mechanics Guide to Handjobs video guide and you’ll be on your way to supreme erotic confidence!
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