The question of how to get an ex back is often on the minds of many of the broken hearted. Some of us know exactly what to do, others… well not so much. So, we call them every hour on the hour, we communicate with them every way possible, and we feel our blood boil the instant they post a "happy birthday" onto the Facebook wall of the opposite gender. In other words, we let our emotions guide us instead of our heads.
But, the truth is that getting an ex back isn't a one, two, or three step process. Instead, it's a delicate tapestry woven together with what to do, and what to never do.
How to Get an Ex Back: What to Do
With reconciliation in mind, there are certain things you should definitely do to help your ex regret their decision.
These things include:
- Do Give Them Space: The bad thing about the adage "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" is that know-it-all proverbalists can simply counter with "Out of sight, out of mind." But, when it comes to a breakup, the former is almost always more applicable. There are two reasons you need to give your ex space. The first is that distance and time actually gives them a chance to miss you, something they can't do if you're calling nonstop or peering in their bedroom window. Second of all, when you don't beg, implore, or plea with them to come back to you, they begin to wonder if you've moved on. And, in the great tradition of wanting what we can't have, that makes them need you more.
- Do Change: There is a reason your relationship met a bitter end— you cheated or they cheated, you never listened or they never stopped talking, you weren't supportive or they started watching episodes of Snapped and taking detailed notes. It is rare that a relationship ends because of one person's role; rather, it takes two to tango. But, you can't change them; you can only change yourself. So, whatever it is you need to change, you best work on it as if your relationships depends on it (because, quite frankly, it does).
- Do Keep It Cool: There is no need to be overly cool when trying to woo back an ex, you don't need to start speaking in beat poetry or casually swinging your leather jacket around your shoulder whenever you get the chance. But, you do need to keep things casual. Instead of going from broken up to reconciled in ten seconds, take it slow. Go to coffee, talk on the phone, have a few no strings attached simple dates. Too much pressure too soon makes the pot boil over— and you just never know when a white bunny might be inside of it.
How to Get an Ex Back: What Not to Do
Now that we know how to get an ex back, let's talk about how not to get an ex back. Some things go without saying— don't threaten, stalk, or kidnap...
A few other things you shouldn't do include:
- Don't Give them an Ultimatum: We all remember the episode of Friends where Rachel gave Ross a letter ("18 pages…front and back") full of "rules for reconciling." Ross' reaction to this letter was what you would expect— it did not go well. People don't like ultimatums; some will not respond to them purely out of stubbornness. Thus, keep the ultimatums off of the table, and in the trash can where they belong.
- Don't Act Desperate: Acting desperate may be the number one thing not to do in the How to Get an Ex Back Booklet; desperation is a color that doesn't look good on anyone. Instead, by being desperate, you give your ex the impression that they can do whatever they want, and you'll always be waiting in the wings. In essence, it gives them a free pass that really has no expiration date.
- Don't Ask them to Change: As mentioned above, there's a good chance your ex was also to blame for your relationship's demise. However, asking them to change, at least before reconciling, will automatically place them on the defense. The defense isn't where you want them to be when you are trying to win them back. Instead, be sure that the only finger pointing is aimed in your direction.
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