Challenge #11: Let down your guard with your partner.
Want better sex? Of course you do. Instead of reaching for a blindfold, a porn video or a cocktail (not that there's anything wrong with those things), how about something less tangible and more effective: enhancing the emotional intimacy in your sexual relationship?
As a therapist, I think of intimacy as your willingness to be yourself — to be vulnerable — without attempting to shape your partner's opinion of you. That kind of honesty, trust, self-acceptance and courage can translate into great sex. Intimacy involves the reciprocal acceptance of each other, despite any faults or insecurities either of you may have. In fact, intimacy is a kind of meditation: we're committed to the cycle of getting to know another person, working hard not to judge him/her, and ultimately accepting and even appreciating him/her.
These twin pillars of intimacy — revealing the self, while accepting the other — drive a relationship to grow. As you accept your partner, you become both more humble and more proud: humble that you're just as imperfect as your partner and proud that you're learning to love. So here are some tips for enhancing the intimacy in the bedroom:
Focus on creating a close, passionate experience.
Penises and vaginas don't create great sex — people create great sex. If you aren't involved with each other you're not relaxed and you're not enthusiastic either, so the sex won't go far. When you focus too much on your own body, it takes away attention from your partner.
So how do you want to feel during sex — desired? Do you want to feel attractive, graceful, close, relaxed? Focus on these feelings, let your partner know this is what you want and try to evoke those feelings. Keep reading ...
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