I've done over 30,000 counseling sessions with men, women, and couples. I’ve learned that everyone wants to be sexually normal, and too many people are afraid they aren’t. And while people say that what they most want from sex is pleasure and closeness, during sex they usually focus on other things—how they look, smell, and sound; what their penis or vulva is doing (rather than how it feels); and how they imagine they compare with other men or other women in bed. Absolutely none of that gives people the nourishment they want from sex.
I remind readers that sex doesn’t equal intercourse. I tell people it’s OK to wear socks in bed if their feet are cold. I say orgasm is not the best or most important part of sex—and I warn women and men against faking it. I advise people to open the condom wrapper before their hands get slippery, and I insist they keep their lubricant in the bedroom, not the bathroom—unless, of course, they usually have sex in the bathroom.
But no matter where I go, and no matter how much I write, I always come back to my patients. About half have sexual difficulties, such as problems with erection, orgasm, lubrication, scary fantasies, desire (too low, too high, or too weird), painful sex (both women and men), affairs (their own or their partner’s), and the current problem-du-jour, internet pornography. Of course, when people have sexual problems, shame, guilt, and anger are never far away.
The other half of my patients bring in the rest of humanity’s woes—problems with kids, in-laws, money, drinking, and that all-purpose description, communication problems.
My style as a therapist is eclectic. I’m extremely flexible, because every patient is different. Some need information; some need compassion; some need tough love; some need a little teasing to lighten them up (none of us is getting out of this life alive, right? ); some need to take their own needs more seriously (generally after getting to know them better); and some people just need help growing up.
I look forward to working with you on YourTango.com. Just don’t expect a lot of simple advice that you’re already getting from your friends or relatives. And don’t expect a lot of advice about what to do with those few inches between your legs.
After all, sex isn’t just an activity—it’s an idea. So we’ll mostly talk about your sexual ideas—which will shape your activities, and improve your satisfaction immensely.
The Reason I Became A Helping Professional
That’s how my career in sexuality started. I was a volunteer counselor at a family planning clinic, talking with women and couples coming in for pregnancy tests. I kept noticing that a lot of these women had been prescribed birth control pills, fitted for diaphragms, or sent home with condoms—and now they were afraid they were pregnant.
People weren’t using the supplies we gave them.
The reason was usually the same: “I didn’t want my boyfriend to think I was a slut.” Or “I didn’t want a new guy thinking I was hoping for sex.” That’s when I realized that there’s more to family planning than products and services. There’s sexuality—and the feelings, misinformation, and stereotypes that shape our sexual choices.
So I became a sex therapist. I became a marriage & family therapist. I became a passionate advocate for sexuality education. And now I’m here with you.
|Main Specialty||Couples/Marital Issues|
Infidelity / Affair Recovery
|Time in Practice||25 years +|
|I practice in||My state/province only|
|Additional Expertise||Sex Therapist|
YourTango Expert Partner
|I offer my services||At my office|
|I am fluent in||English|
|Licence information||Expiration 10/31/14|
This book answers 591 of the most common questions about ...