4 Honest Reasons Why Guys Are So Damn Afraid To Go Down On You
Time for a head-tap.
WeHeartIt It’s not the smell.
Let’s just get that out of the way first — if your man is super-hesitant to perform oral sex on you, it’s not about the smell. (And, if it is, you need to get rid of that guy ASAP and find someone adult enough to actually have sex with.)
I bring that up because, when I’ve talked to women about oral sex in the past, many tend to put the blame on themselves when their man has reservations about going down on them. They think maybe it’s their hygiene or their landscaping job — they’re quick to see their partner’s hesitation as a veiled criticism of them on a physical level.
But, speaking as a man, I can tell you, that’s not it.
More often than not, when a man seems nervous about going down on a woman, it’s a reflection of HIS OWN anxieties and inadequacies and has nothing to do with whether or not you sprung for the Brazilian wax job this month.
If your man never seems to “return the favor” in the bedroom, here are 4 reasons why he might be apprehensive about performing oral sex on you (and what you can do about it).
1. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.
This seems obvious, but it’s a big issue for men. As a gender, men are known for not wanting to stop and ask for directions, right? Well, unfortunately, those impulses sometimes transfer over to their sex lives as well.
That means that there are men who dive into oral sex having literally no idea what to do and some are too self-conscious to ask for help.
Many of these men KNOW that they flying blind, but the thought of raising their hand and asking a question terrifies them — they’re afraid they’ll look foolish or be mocked.
But, in reality, they just want to know how to please you better.
So, if you can tell your man isn’t sure what to do, give him some directions. Move him around, point out the sweet spots. If you can nudge him in the right direction without making him feel dumb about needing help, he might actually start enjoying what he’s doing and do it a lot more. (Win-win!)
2. He’s been told that he’s bad at oral sex.
Not everyone is particularly skilled at going down on a woman and, as I mentioned in point #1, lots of men just don’t know what they’re doing. That means, if your man seems nervous about it, there’s a decent chance that he’s had a bad experience in his past where a woman (or multiple women) have told him that, when it comes to oral sex, “OMG, you are the worst!”
And, fair enough, he might be.
He might be really terrible at it. But telling him that, without offering any constructive criticism, helps no one.
It doesn’t make him any better and it doesn’t get you any closer to getting off.
If you get a sense that your man is way too self-depreciating when it comes to his oral sex skills, try to engage him in a conversation about his past experiences.
Maybe tell him one of your own embarrassing sexual stories. Try to suss out if he’s had some negative oral sex feedback in his past.
And, if that’s the case, let him know that you’re a safe place, that you’re not going to laugh at him. You just want the sex to be fun and inclusive and, yeah, you want to get off, so you’re totally happy to hold his hand to get him there.
3. He complains about his mouth getting tired.
There are some men — rather wimpy men — who complain about jaw pain or the amount of work that it takes to get a woman off orally.
They’ll say things like “It just feels like I’ve been down here forever,” without any recognition that those statements make them sound a). whiny and b). really bad at oral sex.
And, fair enough, it does normally take women longer to achieve orgasm than men do, but that doesn’t mean that men should complain about the effort like they’re running a 5K. One key is realizing that they might need help and direction.
But the other key to helping men fight oral sex fatigue is letting them know that it isn’t ONLY about using their tongues.
Oral sex doesn’t have to be only a relentless oral onslaught, flicking your tongue in a repetitive motion until it’s worn down to the nub. Like regular sex, oral sex should be a combination of many elements.
You can use your tongue, move around, use your fingers for a while, change up your game. Letting men know that they’re not trying to lick through a Tootsie Pop down there might make them see the whole experience as less of a chore and might make them more game to experiment.
4. He doesn’t think oral sex is that big of a deal.
This is the ultimate negative result of a man being bad at oral sex. Because he’s bad or apprehensive about going down on women, the feedback he’s gotten from women has been “Hey, don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal.” Or “I’m just not into it” — which is fine, when it’s true, but it’s not always true.
Sometimes that’s just what a woman says because he wants the guy to stop fumbling around down there.
And the tragedy is when the man thinks “Oh, she wants me to do something else because oral isn’t a big thing.”
Oral is a HUGE thing, particularly when you consider how rare vaginal orgasms are.
If you’re not personally into it as a woman, that’s fine, but, when women let men off the hook when it comes to oral, some men internalize that as “oral sex isn’t worth the effort expended,” which… nope, nope, nope.
Keep that in mind if you have a man who seems way too nonchalant about going down on you.
Let him know that it’s a priority, that it’s a vital part of your sexual life. And, hopefully, if he sees that it’s something important, he’ll make an effort to step up when it comes to going down on you.