As written by a guy.
How have surprise dick pics become an acceptable substitute for romance? Maybe I missed the scene in Charade where Cary Grant awkwardly stumbled into the bathroom to take grainy photographs of his wiener to send to Audrey Hepburn at 4 AM.
Let’s face it, unsolicited dick pics and sexting have become a plague — like locusts or Justin Beiber. And the way I see it, you have two options: You either can shake it off, or shut it down like an Indiana pizzeria. Here’s how:
1. Respond with another dick pic.
Channel your inner Hammurabi and go “eye for an eye.” Bonus points if you play it off as your own. Not sure where to get a dick pic? That’s the easy part … just scroll up to the 3890482397 you’ve surely already received.
And if you've been deleting them for fear they could transmit an STD to your phone, don’t sweat it: You’re on the Internet right now. Just remember, Google is your friend and SafeSearch is your enemy here.
2. Use a visual metaphor.
It’s often said men are visual creatures so take the direct route to his cerebral cortex with an aggressive GIF or photo like the one above, which sends a very clear message: You have the world of cutlery and single-use kitchen appliances at your disposal. Nothing says “Stop sending me dick pics” like the implication of a shredded urethra.
3. Point and laugh.
Mutual sexting is one thing but you have to be pretty cocky to assume arbitrary photos of your genitalia will stir an uncontrollable lust in someone. That’s why I recommend pure, distilled ridicule (if summary execution is not an option).
A simple “lol” could be the coldest possible play here, cutting his pride to ribbons. It’s certainly the most efficient option, doing maximum damage to his psyche in only three characters. A gif or photo of laughter can carry a similar payload.
4. Employ brutal sarcasm.
Try something like, “Thanks for giving me a chance to try out the pinch-to-zoom feature on my phone!” It’s easiest and always super-effective to attack his size but don’t be afraid to comment on other odd features that may be a sore spot for him.
“Oh cute, I’ve never seen a mole rat without teeth before!” could be the coup de grace and the end of dick pics from that guy forever.
5. Warn him that child pornography is a felony.
Being mistaken for a child’s penis will seriously wound his ego and, and who knows, those keywords might trigger a red flag or two with the NSA. If you’re sending unsolicited dick pics, a SWAT team should probably kick down your door anyway.
6. Tattletale to his mom.
“Be the change you want to see in the world.”
This heroic woman could probably give lessons to Taken star Liam Neeson on how to exact revenge. After receiving an unsolicited dick pic, followed by weapons-grade douchebaggery, she found the offender on Facebook and sent screencaps of the conversation to his mother.
With a single act, she raised humiliation to an art form and possibly even prevented future dick pics from being sent out in the future — Nobel Prize nomination committee, take notice. She provided a playbook for the nuclear option should you find yourself dealing with a particularly persistent culprit in the future.