Before there was internet snark — way back in the dark ages of the '90s — there were Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. For the uninitiated, Deep Thoughts was a brilliantly satirical Saturday Night Live segment that cast tongue-in-cheek reflections and non-sequitirs on life and love against a backdrop of babbling brooks and happy little trees. And of course there was Jack Handey's voice: that of an oblivious and vaguely creepy man-child.
The New York Times recently did a piece on Jack Handey — yes, he's a real person who, at the time, was a writer for SNL. Next month he releases his first novel. Thanks, Jack Handey, for these timeless love quotes of comedy gold.
"Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot."
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?"
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."
"Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail."
"I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death."
"I'm not sure I want to get the nickname "The Love Machine," because how does that affect my nickname now, which is 'The Lawn-Cutting Machine'?"
"I'll never forget my first true love. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. From her dark, raven hair to her slender, yellow, scaly feet, she was all woman. She loved corn, and could eat it all day with her hard, yellowish lips. 'Caw!' she would yell, as a joke, then flap her arms with delight. One day, she was sitting on a fence, and some guy shot her."
"I used to think Mom's biscuits were special, because she said she put a secret ingredient in them. Years later I asked her what the secret ingredient was, and she said it was "love." Right then I felt like the biggest sucker in the world."
"I don't think I received enough love when I was a child. And not just from my parents. From my other relatives, and my friends, and from strangers and from all the creatures of the world, including bugs."