Here is an email exchange I had with a client, of mine (we'll call her "Rachel") after she'd just sent me her best erotica offering yet based on the new sex life she and her husband of over 20 years, "Oren," are having now after having been my clients for the past 8 months or so. It starkly contrasts her sex-starved and angished past with her vibrant present. I've posted Rachel's erotica, with her permission, on my official blog, www.dodsonandross.com/blogs/eric-amaranth.
Amaranth: This may be the best you've written so far. Now, just step back for a moment and look back at how you and Oren were when you werent having this level of sex life. Before you started working with me. It seems like another life that's dead and gone, doesn't it? Like a dream maybe? Look at what youre doing together now! What do you think about that?!
Rachel: Dead and gone. I feel like I'm still running a bit, not quite distanced enough from it yet. I really can't describe how odd it feels to look back and see now that I was completely suppressing my sexuality. I had taken Oren down that wrong headed path with me as well. It's a path that I think is unfortunately reinforced by social norms. You know, the message that a marriage can be strong, and should be fulfilling, without a passionate sex life. It's was the idea that giving into sex was making me a submissive little wife, because only men had a real need for sex. Therefore a woman who indulged her man like that was by default subjugating herself to him. Working with you to explore and develop my sexual self, what I and my body is actually capable of, has really rebalanced our sex life, and our marriage. So many past mistakes, so glad they're in the past. I still make them....like not paying for express shipping on that great new buttplug that you suggested ;)
Amaranth: I'd love to post this as part of me putting up this latest erotica from you, my replies etc. My reply to this is, see how the issue of only men need sex and women don't implodes once a woman (and her partner) understands how to create the same pleasure expectation, or better, as the male partner? It's a profound example of a monumental problem created by sexual ignorance and also, a bi-product of fears and situationally-negative possibilities when female sexuality gets its equal due when compared to the due given to male.
Rachel: Yes, yes, that's it! As a group, our sexual expectations as women are so low and our ignorance is too high when it comes to how our sexuality works and how we have to engage it differently then our guys do. That's where I think Betty was so helpful for me. It was only after resetting my expectations and my understanding of what the physical facts around my arousal where, really owning my sex parts, that I could benefit from all the stuff you and I have worked on together. And I also had be be willing to communicate to Oren what I needed from him. Retraining him if you will. I had to be willing to pull him along and not expect him to just know what would work for me.
And since I'm so focused on the new territory of parenting my teens these days, everything that I'm learning about myself instantly becomes a dilemma that I must face on what and how I want to relate to my kids. Our culture, and especially parents with good intentions, often focus on controlling the activities and situation our kids are in to help them avoid their sexuality until they are "ready." It's out of pregnancy fears, mostly I think. (I'm going to ignore the whole sex is only OK in marriage reason since very few, if any, of the women that I know, who went to college in the late eighties, followed that rule) So, fear of pregnancy makes it hard for us to educate them on the basics of how female sexual pleasure works, because we think that talking about it would lead to experimenting, and then disaster.
So they leave us at 17 or 18, hopefully not having been pregnant, but definitly ignorant of how the female body works to achieve sexual pleasure. At 18, we send them off with them freedom and ignorance. That combo just screams: "Take advantage of me so I have a poor experience with my early sex life. As I mature, I will probably decide sex is not for me!" So by 18, if our kids can't even answer a simple questions on female sexual function like, "Why is it that the majority women can not orgasm from penetration alone?" then we can guarantee the continuation of sexual ignorance.