As a sex life coach, I hear a particular question fairly often: “How do I get him to initiate sex more often? I feel like I’m always the one who gets things started.” Some of the reasons why he may be doing this can combo together to make him even less likely to charge forward. These four tips are by no means a complete solution, but they are very solid things I tell my clients:
1. One of the most common reasons why men, young and older, slow down their initiation of sex is their affectionate love for their women partners. Affectionate sweetness is absolutely necessary in a relationship. However, the more a man feels that toward his girlfriend or wife, the less likely he is to be in the mindset of “taking her,” which is more about erotic desire satisfaction than soulmate feelings (though soulmate feelings and erotic desire can be combined). Especially if his partner is a mother as well, which is to many, an asexual role. (Inside tip: Don’t start calling your partner mommy or daddy even though the kids do.)
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The first and most important step to fix this is awareness of it combined with understanding that relationships are best when they have both erotic actions and affectionate actions. Next, I suggest spending a little time daydreaming about the sexiest parts of her body or how beautiful her pretty face looks when it’s in a sexual mode. Fantasize about what you want to do to her and feel from her. Look forward to the next time when you may have a bit of time to share in some hotness. Monogamous couples have to be more aware and practiced with retaining hot viewpoints of their partners. What makes that a bit more challenging leads us into point two:
2. The law of diminishing returns. Also known as the brain’s love and favor of novelty in everything be it music, food, or sex. This is why it’s important to continue to actively build and care about your sex life the same way you do your financial/business life. Finance gets more focused attention by default because it’s what pays the bills. While it’s true that good sex doesn’t fit into the survival-in-the-world category, it definitely fits into the survival-of-your-relationship category. It also fits into the pursuit of happiness category, because there is more to life as we all know than survival.
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What that means for you is when you are actively brainstorming on and practicing brand new, hot, and intimate sex ideas, or spicy variations on what works in the present, it sparks mental interest to start experimenting with those things or keep going with perfecting them. When that’s in place, initiating springs forth naturally and more frequently. In women too!
3. A dynamic can emerge where the woman holds the keys to the bedroom: “I’m not in the mood.” – “I’m too tired.” – “F**k me now!” – “Don’t you want me?” etc. There are many reasons for this dynamic, which is a whole other article. The man recognizes this pattern and, in polite or begrudged deference to her, moves into a place where he waits for her to say the word. Sometimes unconsciously. Then she wonders what happened.