31 Funny Love Quotes From Comedians Who Totally Get You


Because love is funny strange, but it's also funny ha-ha.

There's a funny thing about love, and it's called everything. Thankfully, some of our favorite comedians can relate, and we found the love quotes to prove it.

1. "You can't put a price tag on love. But if you could, I'd wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah


2. "I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand

3. "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner 

4. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" — Jean Illsley Clarke

5. "Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing." — Natasha Leggero 

6. "I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% sex, 90% guilt." — Henny Youngman

7. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." — Garry Shandling

8. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." — Richard Jeni

9. "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" — Lily Tomlin

10.  "Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld

11. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers

12. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." — Chelsea Handler

13. "Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there." — George Burns

14. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." — Groucho Marx

15. "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." — Woody Allen

16. "If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz 

17. "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." — Richard Pryor

18. "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." — Chris Rock

19. "My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield

20. "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself." — Johnny Carson

21. "My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor." — Elayne Boosler

22. "My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning." — Ray Romano

23. "I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early." — Jack Benny

24. "Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand." — Unknown

25. "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." — Billy Crystal

26. "Women love a self-confident bald man." — Larry David

27. "Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." — Bill Maher

28. "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." — Jackie Mason

29. "Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris

30. "Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." — Phyllis Diller

31. "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." — Erma Bombeck

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