Why Men Suddenly End Relationships When Women Start Falling In Love
It was all going so well ... wasn't it?
Ali mnttzri / Pexels via Canva The first two to three months of dating a new man or woman make for one of the most exhilarating stages of falling in love, commonly known as "the honeymoon phase."
We’ve all felt it, the rush of dopamine and endorphins is intoxicating. You feel pretty sure this is one of those relationships that will last forever, until ... he decides that no, it will not. And just like that, another breakup.
This common cycle leaves many women wondering what men are thinking when these situations happen. How could your knight in shining armor have gotten rusty so fast?
With that in mind, here are three reasons why men suddenly end relationships when you've been dating for a few months and finally feel yourself falling in love.
Why men suddenly end relationships when women start falling in love:
1. He has unrealistic expectations.
Some men are incapable of falling in love. They may be head-over-heels and infatuated with you for 90 days, however, once reality sets in and the dopamine wears off, these men are left wondering why they don’t feel like they're falling in love with you anymore.
I refer to these men as 90-day wonders, because they'll date a woman for 90 days ... and then wonder what caused them to no longer feel intensely infatuated anymore.
Rather than figuring out what's going on within themselves, these guys simply break things off and start all over again with someone else.
This type of behavior is called immaturity, and it's part of what's known as Peter Pan Syndrome, a term applied to men who never grow up, preferring to constantly chase the illusion of infatuation and finding that one "perfect" love, leaving a long line of broken hearts in their wake.
Peter Pans is often the most charming man around, and a good indication you’ve found one is when he neither makes nor discusses plans for the future.
2. He's fallen victim to "the Fisher King wound"
In the Arthurian legend of the Fisher King, an innocent young knight named Perceval (or Parsifal), "arrives at the castle of the Fisher King [said to be the last in the line of keepers of the Holy Grail], who suffers from a mysterious ailment or wound. A strange procession appears, in which a girl carries in the Grail, accompanied by a boy with a mysterious spear which magically bleeds from the tip ...
Perceval knows nothing about the meaning of all this, [but] if he asks the simple question 'Whom does the Grail serve?' ... the Fisher King will be cured."
The myth is complicated and far more detailed, but it is ultimately a metaphor for"the development all adolescent boys must face if they are to overcome their wounds and mature to real manhood ... This myth tells us that an important prerequisite of becoming a whole man is his capacity to honor and respect his inner life.
This capacity equates for a man to knowing what he’s feeling: being able to articulate his feelings: relating to his body as a source of information and wisdom, not just as a machine to perform, conquer, or impress: not blaming the people close to him for not meeting his needs when he doesn’t even recognize them himself; [and discovering] that his generative ability is ultimately about his creativity within, which allows him to bring his potency to making a difference in the world for others."
If you're dating a man who did not learn this lesson during childhood, the burden will fall on you.
This is why somewhere around two to three months into a relationship, men often find themselves faced with a dilemma. A realistic man knows that to receive love he must be willing to take on the responsibilities involved in giving to and protecting. and cherishing women, children, animals, and the planet.
Otherwise, he remains trapped by his craving for that honeymoon phase of love, fueling his urgent need to start all over again with someone new.
3. He recognizes your underlying incompatibility as a couple
To be fair, not every man should labeled a Peter Pan or a Fisher King just because he starts a relationship that doesn’t make it past three months.
Sometimes, there are real issues of incompatibility at play.
For example, say it turns out that one of you wants to have children and the other does not. Or one of you wants to live in Paris and the other wants to live in New York, and both of you are committed to your diverging opinions on the matter.
It often takes a few months for these important issues of incompatibility to surface.
Sometimes it's possible to negotiate them carefully, and sometimes there is no way to reach a mutually acceptable compromise.
Many men avoid these difficult conversations when everything else is going well and they're having a great time with you, and so the serious nature of your differences only comes up when you start asking where the relationship is going.
Issues of incompatibility often blindside you when a man only talks about his feelings, meaning he will tell you how much he feels in love with you, but never expresses any type of plan for a future together.
Any man can date you for two to three months, but it's important to remember that not every man is up for the rigors of lasting love.
He may have unrealistic expectations of what love is and how to achieve it.
He may be a charming "Peter Pan" who likes living in the moment and asks you not to spoil it because he doesn’t want to feel pressured, or he could be a wounded "Fisher King", unwilling and uninterested in serving anyone's needs but his own.
Or he may be a perfectly good man. Incompatibility is a real thing that happens to the best of us.
We go into relationships with rose-colored glasses on, and that’s okay. A man who is capable of lasting love is willing to negotiate with you and make adjustments. A mature man knows the honeymoon phase is just a phase, and he welcomes the adventure of building a life with you.
James Allen Hanrahan is a dating and relationship coach for women based in Los Angeles. He's also the author of A Life of Love and Dating Advice for Alpha Women.