Man Insists That 'Friends First' Is The Only Way To Date — 'Asking Attractive Girls Out Is Just Awful'
He believes that a more meaningful connection could develop if couples start off as friends.
StockPhotoDirectors / Shutterstock Dating seems more difficult than ever nowadays. From fear of commitment to digital overload, it can be nearly impossible to find your ideal match.
While many people feel as though they are the only ones struggling to find love, that's decidedly not the case. In 2023, there were over 127 million adults living in the U.S. who were single. That accounts for nearly 40 percent of the entire country’s population. So what's the problem?
One man proposed that we are going about dating the completely wrong way. He suggested a more effective way to approach those you wish to date, specifically if you’re a male seeking a female partner.
The man claimed that being friends with a woman first is the only way to eventually be able to date them.
In his since-deleted post to the r/unpopularopinion subreddit, the man shared the true reason he believes some single men are unsuccessful when it comes to scoring dates with women they find attractive. Instead of simply approaching a woman and asking her out on a date, the man claimed that they should try and form meaningful connections with each other first.
The man said that asking a woman out immediately after meeting her is a “dumb, cold approach, to a complete stranger you know nothing about.”
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“Just ‘asking someone out’ is bad for many reasons,” he insisted. “One, it ruins a potential strong friendship opportunity because you've already established you have an interest in that person sexually without even knowing them.”
Instead, the man argued that one should become familiar with the woman’s personality first to determine if they are actually a match before rushing into dating. Personality is a crucial aspect as it significantly influences the dynamics, compatibility, and overall success of a romantic relationship — arguably much more so than appearance.
“I've been attracted to several of my female friends but after finding out who they were and their personality traits, I'm so happy I'm just their friend and they will never know I was once secretly attracted to them,” the man admitted. “It enhances trust, and keeps the friendship strong even after they find partners of their own.”
For those concerned about being “friend-zoned” by women they find attractive and may eventually want to ask out, the man encouraged them not to worry, claiming that the “friend zone” does not exist as long as you develop a meaningful relationship with the woman, romantic or not.
“I often hear the term ‘friend-zoning’ like if you don't establish something romantic immediately, the girl will automatically lose all fancy for you when this never happens,” the man wrote.
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“In all my relationships, I was friends with them first for at least a month before dating them,” he continued. “In that time, I learned all about their personality and if it was in line with me. If it wasn't like mine, we could just be ‘friends’ and keep a bond going without strings attached."
The man concluded his post by reiterating his stance that asking out attractive women without getting to know them first is “just awful.” In his book, he will always befriend a woman before asking her out.
Even if his theory sounds absurd to some, the man may be onto something.
Developing a friendship with someone before deciding to become a couple can help to establish connections and trust with the person, which is essential in a relationship.
Moreover, this method must be working for some, as a 2021 study found that up to 66 percent of couples started as platonic friends before pursuing a romantic relationship.
Speaking with Fox 26 Houston, Psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini explained why people are better off starting as friends before moving on to romance with one another.
“You have such a better understanding of each other [when you start off as friends,” she said. “When you’re on a [dating] app, it’s pretty much superficial. You’re looking at how they look, and we know that that’s not gonna sustain you in romance or love.”
While dating apps can certainly help you get out into the dating world, Rapini claims that people lie about their personalities online and often fail to develop a meaningful connection like they would be able to do face-to-face.
“When it’s a friendship, you know that person more," she added. "You trust them because you’ve seen how they respond to you in the past.”
Friends also share experiences, memories, and history. This shared foundation can strengthen the bond in a romantic relationship, as a sense of familiarity, comfort, and shared context comes from having been friends first.
Still, while some may be able to successfully ease a friendship into a romantic relationship, it's important to note that not all relationships are the same. Some may start with one person asking out the other immediately upon meeting. Others may get set up on blind dates. Some may use dating apps. Couples who meet these ways without forming a friendship first could very well develop a solid romantic relationship.
Ultimately, the key is to communicate openly, be genuine, and let the relationship develop naturally based on the needs and preferences of both individuals involved — regardless of whether you begin your relationship as friends or lovers.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.