Woman Says Her Married Best Friend Is Her ‘Soulmate’ But He Claims His Wife Isn’t ‘Mentally Ready’ For Him To Leave Yet
The writing on the wall couldn't be clearer, but she refuses to see it.
fizkes / Shutterstock.com Falling in love with someone you cannot have — most of us have either been there or known someone who has. But when that person doesn't actually reject you, it can create a truly heartbreaking situation.
That's the dilemma a woman who wrote into a podcast has been in for 20 years, and it's taking a huge toll on her.
She said her married best friend is her soulmate, but he won't leave his wife.
The woman, named Saraya, wrote into the "Everybody Has A Secret" podcast, which is exactly what it sounds like — a place where people can reveal their deepest secrets and get them off their chest. She's been in an "on-again, off-again" relationship with a married man for 20 years, and believes he's her "twin flame."
"For 20 years I have been in an on-again, off-again relationship with my married best friend Matthew," the woman wrote. "He got married 15 years ago. I am convinced he's my soulmate."
They first met in school when they were teenagers and "had an electric chemistry." But dating didn't work out, and he soon met the woman who became his wife and the mother of his children. They rekindled their relationship and then broke up again twice in 2012 and 2015, but last summer they gave it one last try.
"This time it's different," she wrote. "We are madly, wildly in love with each other."
He promised to leave his wife for her but kept pushing the divorce back due to worries about his wife's and children's well-being.
"Matt has expressed his deep love for me," she said. "He even told me he will leave his wife at the end of the year so we can finally be together in the open."
She's so certain he'll follow through that she's even told her family that Matt has separated from his wife. But that's not how things have actually gone down.
"Now that we are getting closer to the end of the year, Matt has pushed the date for us to be back together for another year," she wrote.
"He says his wife isn't mentally ready for him to leave her and … he's also concerned about his son." She believes he's worrying too much and explained that she went through her parents' divorce in her teens and insisted it was "one of the best things to ever happen to me." But Matt wasn't buying it.
Despite the writing on the wall, she insists on hanging in. "I've been told he was my twin flame," she said, a term for two people who are destined for each other and share a spiritual bond.
But commenters felt like this woman was delusional to think her 'twin flame' would ever leave his wife and experts agreed.
"In the immortal words of Carrie Fisher in 'When Harry Met Sally': he's never gonna leave her," one commenter wrote. And experts like dating coaches and therapists say that's nearly always the case.
Dating coach David Wygant told us that there are three fundamental reasons why the married party rarely leaves their spouse.
"Between his wife and his mistress, he already has everything he needs," Wygant explained, and even if he didn't, divorce is so "painful and expensive" that there's more incentive to stay in the marriage than leave it.
He boiled the situation down to one simple point: "If he was going to leave his wife, he would have left her already," which seems particularly relevant here given how long this woman and her "twin flame" have been entangled.
So what should you do instead if you're in this type of relationship?
Psychotherapist Marni Feuerman admitted that it can be even harder emotionally to extricate yourself from a relationship with a married person than a "normal" relationship, but it can be done and it's essential for your own well-being.
She recommended making a conscious effort to date other people, because "opening yourself to the possibility" of other relationships can help motivate you to move on, as well as get you in touch with what you really want and need in a partner.
And of course, as with so many other problems, Feuerman said learning to love yourself is an important step. "Remind yourself that you deserve love and that you are worthy of a real and loving relationship."
Better yet, seek help in therapy. As one writer who was the "other woman" for many years herself said, "Everyone… has their own unresolved childhood issues, their own perspective, and their own story. There's a reason you are attracted to this particular [person] that probably began at home when you were young."
It won't be easy, but exploring these issues with a professional might be just the new beginning you need to move on and find the loving relationship you truly deserve.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice, and human interest topics.