"Oh, no, not him again!" My client, "Charlene", received yet another email from "Bob". Over the past two years, Bob had started many email conversations with Charlene on Match.com. They would write back and forth a few times and make tentative plans to meet. And then he'd disappear. So last Wednesday, when he popped up in her inbox once again, her first thought was, "Ignore his email", but her heart softened. "I'll give him one more chance. He seems like such a nice guy...but, what if he disappears again?"
Why do men disappear in the midst of a hot and heavy online dating communication?
Many women conclude that men who disappear have no manners. I mean, can't he have the courtesy to just tell me he's not interested? While it would be great if all people online had common decency and good communication skills, that's just not reality. And you can't do much about changing other people. Plus, you don't really know if it's about men behaving badly or something entirely different.
The top 7 reasons why men disappear in the middle of communicating with you online.
1) He met someone else
2) He's just not that into you
3) He is a player
4) He is online to window-shop but not to "buy"
5) His membership ran out, and he can't contact you anymore
6) He violated terms and was kicked off the site
7) He's shy
Charlene decided to give Bob another chance. After two years of disappearing, they finally had a real date on the calendar! Would he show up? And if he did show up, what would he be like? Would he be a jerk, a nice guy, or a snob? She was prepared for any of the above.
Charlene imagined that he was a man with many online dating suitors. She thought the reason he kept disappearing was because he thought so highly of himself. Why? In his profile photo, he seemed to be smirking. She interpreted this as a sign of arrogance. With his Ivy League education, he could very well fit that bill.
When Bob walked into the restaurant, Charlene did a double take. Bob was the opposite of smug—he was painfully shy. He stuttered, which is probably why he hid behind online communication for so long, afraid to meet in person and possibly be judged.
After a few minutes, they began to build rapport, and Bob relaxed. As he felt more comfortable, he stuttered less and he and Charlene really clicked. Conversation flowed. She was glad she had given him a chance.
If she had followed her assumptions that he was arrogant and rude, she never would have dated him. Charlene learned that it's important to be open when you're dating. When you pass judgment without any true basis, you run the risk of being be totally wrong. And a connection in the flesh is very different from an online or phone conversation. Once you meet in person, you'll have a much better sense of a person and the energy between the two of you.
If you want to be successful at online dating, I encourage you to be more like Charlene. Don't make assumptions. Be open to meeting a guy in person to see what he's really like. A picture and a profile are only part of the story. So don't speculate—make a date!
And if he suddenly stops communicating, move on. Don't waste precious time trying to figure out why he vanished into thin air. The right man will pursue you. So, if your potential love match disappears, use the best four letter word in dating—N.E.X.T.!
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