From the onset, I want to make one thing perfectly clear,
Knowing for sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your husband is gay is next to impossible until it’s a reality!
Take me for example, and many of the “married but gay” clients that I work with, until we grow the balls to say, “Frankly my dear I’m gay,” it was pretty hard for most people to see it. Of course there’s a whole subconscious layer of denial that prevails in the “gay but married to a heterosexual” world – for all concerned!
Most straight spouses who’ve been married to someone who finally ventures out of the closet will admit upon reflection that they had some inkling that something just didn’t fit in their relationship – no pun intended. Simply acknowledging a disconnect or a misalignment in the relationship doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay.
However, in most cases, there are signs that heed the warning that your “Mistah just might be a sistah!”
The Definitive, Un-definitive Guide To Knowing He’s Gay
1. He's overtly homophobic.
As the media has shown us over and over again, many a man “comes out” by being forced out due to their blatant disdain towards homosexuality. Tangled in their own web of lies Mark Folley, Ted Haggard, Phil Hinkle, Jim McGreevey all played their “no gay me for me cards” only to be caught with their pants down with individuals of the same sex!
While not a 100% guarantee that your man’s playing for the other side, it does make you wonder, “Is he really that insecure or is it a cover up?”
2. He's overly evasive or secretive.
Whether it’s protecting their emails and texts, or always changing the subject about where they’ve been, if your man is uber sensitive in these arenas, then there’s a good chance that one of two things is up:
He’s having an affair or
He’s gay and hiding his truth
(Of course the third possibility is he’s gay and having an affair with a man.)
No matter what the reality is, something’s come up and it’s getting in the way of your relationship, so it’s time to get to the bottom of it – for the good of both of you!
3. Lingering and longing.
This one’s pretty straight forward – you catch your man checking out other men. Doesn’t matter if it’s in public, pics in magazines, or on the 52” screen of your home theater. When his eyes linger with hunger and desire on a fine specimen of the male species... something’s stirring (admittedly, it could be a simple “Bromance” — man-to-man admiration).
4. No more rocket in the pocket.
Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is either self-induced or the real deal. In the case of a man who’s fighting his core sexuality, it’s not uncommon for his spouse and her desires for sexual intimacy to be told to take a number and wait. Even special occasion sex (of the birthday and anniversary kind) gets wrapped up in the excuse of “Not now I’m really tired!”
Regardless of the reason, doing a little extra homework in this area to uncover the true reason for the lack, will help to reveal the truth and might just provide some intimate fun along the way!
5. Al Bundy Makeover
Even Peg Bundy would have perked up and thrown her sexual overtures at Al if he’d strutted into the room looking like Ryan Reynolds or Bradley Cooper. Often, his slightest shift in grooming, clothing style, and time spent at the gym leads to an extreme makeover that still doesn’t guarantee that Al’s heading back to your boudoir.
If your man’s looking finer than he ever did in college, leave some room for his own desire to better himself, but don’t be so naïve that it’s all just for his own good. He may be making himself good for the other man in his life!
Regardless of the reasons that are causing you to believe your man may be wandering to the other side of the fence (check out additional article "No Hiding Your Gay" over at Truth Talks Blog), the sooner you get to the bottom of the situation the sooner you can release the suspicious energy. This is a catabolic energy (destructive) that tears your energy stores down and prevents you from being able to manifest higher levels of anabolic (building energy).
For you men navigating this world of “straddling the sexuality fence,” I only share these observations with your female counterparts as a means to bring you both to a place of clarity. It’s your health and mental well being that are at risk each day that you live hidden in the shadows of your truth. Regardless of how painful you may believe it to be “on the other side of the closet door,” truth is, it’s more painful and stressful to lead the dual life.
Coming Out Coach Rick specializes in working with men, women, couples and families during the transition when a spouse comes out of the closet. For more information, visit rickclemons.com.