Can you accept him for who he is?
Is it possible to get what you need emotionally and sexually in a relationship with your man while still accepting him entirely for who he is? Yes. But I want to take a moment to touch on this difference between what unconditional love means and what conditional love means.
First, let's talk about unconditional love and what it means to love a man unconditionally in a realistic, applicable sense, by comparing it to one's journey to self-love.
Everyone is a compilation of strengths and weaknesses, of brilliance and of flaws. The major goal in most people's lives is conquering the deep inner struggle for self-acceptance. On this battlefield, one must eventually understand that self-acceptance doesn't have to be a war at all. It's actually a surrendering.
Self-acceptance doesn't mean you push yourself to remove all feelings and thoughts of self-loathing. Self-acceptance doesn't have to mean you lose all insecurities and self-doubts. It means you get to a place in your life where you allow your self-deprecating side to exist, without allowing it to make choices for you. Basically, self-acceptance is about becoming a witness to your self-judgments instead of a slave to them.
Well, we want you to begin accepting your man in this way. Allowing yourself to be a witness to your judgments about him and let negative thoughts and feelings freely come and go inside your brain and body without you treating him in a way that's dictated by that negativity or allowing it to make you feel less of a person.
You will watch these thoughts and feelings about his actions and words materialize and will recognize them for what they are: negativity triggers for you. You will then continue to behave in your relationship in a loving manner, regardless.
Easier said than done, right? Actually, no. And that's where the part about a conditional relationship comes in.
Though there will always be things about your man that annoy the living daylights out of you or things that he does or says that may even cut deep at your insecurities as a woman or within the relationship, it is absolutely possible to get to a place where you can tolerate and quickly let go of his irritating behaviors and words without acting out.
The key lies in your faith in him and in the relationship. If you can trust that he cares about you and has good intentions, you will be less likely to feel threatened or emotionally bruised by his behavior. This will raise your level of tolerance and make room in your heart for more loving feelings toward him and his many downsides.
Gaining trust is not always easy. It is a combination of two things:
- Deciding to trust up front (He starts with an A+ instead of an F).
- Him showing you evidence that your decision to blindly trust was the right one (He has to keep his A+ instead of earning it).
There are ways to start blindly trusting in a man and those ways have everything to do with changing your perspective on men and love. Try — whenever you have a negative opinion about a man or about your relationship — to step out of your thoughts for a moment and watch your negative come and go without making any decisions according to that thought.
In the second step, gaining evidence of a man's trustworthiness has to do with conditions set around the partnership and by conditions, we mean him satisfying your needs within the relationship.
When you can communicate effectively with a man and begin to ask for what you need in the relationship, you are on the path to trusting him and trusting in the level of security provided by the relationship. The things you need emotionally, sexually, mentally, and physically in the relationship are your conditions that enable you to love him unconditionally.
When your man shows willingness and an ability to hear and provide you these needs, your trust in him and the partnership sky-rocket. Suddenly, the cruel jokes he cracks about your cooking and the annoying sound he makes when he drinks beers from the can will become much more tolerable.
A man's level of willingness to provide you with your needs is something within your power to influence. There are two things that influence this:
- How you conduct yourself during these tough talks about your needs.
- How you treat him and act with him the rest of the time.
There are two basic things to remember in order to be a considerate and effective communicator in tough talks with your man:
- You are not looking for a result, as much as you trust that he can hear you and wants to help.
- You care about HIS needs, feelings, and wellbeing, as much as you do your own.
As far as how you treat him the rest of the time, be mindful of two things:
- Your treatment of him should match that you expect of him.
- The motives for all your treatment of him should be pure and giving in nature, not manipulative and PULLING in nature.
"Pulling motives" are motives that have to do with your disguised needs in the relationship. Like when you give a man sex because you secretly want his commitment, your motives are not pure and are pulling him toward something he isn't offering you up front.
Men don't like to receive treatment that has ulterior motives. So be honest and truly care about his needs, feelings, and wants.
When a man steps up to the plate and starts listening and providing you your needs in the relationship, you will do the same for him, doing what you can to meet his conditions within the relationship.