Photo: Nomad_Soul / Shutterstock
Do not wait.
By Melody Brooke — Written on May 27, 2021
"My boyfriend doesn't seem interested in me sexually." "Why doesn't my husband want to have sex with me?"
If you've ever wondered something like this, you're not alone.
What does it mean if he doesn't want to have sex with you?
There are many reasons why men aren't interested in sex or sexual activities... just like there are with women. From hormone issues to performance anxiety to emotional setbacks, many men struggle to find the desire to have sex with their partners.
For one, a low testosterone count can lead to lower sexual interest. Even if he was a real lady lover at the beginning of the relationship, his T-levels (testosterone levels) could have dropped.
Testosterone levels vary with age and sometimes there are health issues that can cause abnormally low testosterone. Hormone level fluctuations in men can lead to things like erectile dysfunction, which can be embarrassing for both parties involved.
Erectile dysfunction or performance anxiety (worrying about not being able to maintain an erection) can be a major factor in men not wanting to have sex with their partners.
Other reasons could be a loss of attraction, he may prefer his hand, or he's simply lost interest in his sex life.
Another reason why he's less interested in sex right now could be that he's suffering from depression, anxiety, stress or some other mental health issue.
And then, of course, there could be the reason no woman wants to think about — he's getting it from somewhere else.
According to an article from The Atlantic, approximately 21 percent of husbands cheat on their wives. Why men cheat is highly dependent on the person, but whether it's because he's less attracted or he prefers some form of sex he's not getting from his current relationship, unfortunately, it's a possibility to consider.
I have known some men who have told their wives to go out and find sex outside of the marriage. They obviously love each other but have no capacity to enjoy the passion that had once filled their marriage bed.
How could so many healthy men be so disinterested in sex? After all, biology would have us believe that their sex drive is higher than women’s and they should be the ones incessantly demanding more frequent sexual encounters, but this doesn’t seem to be true.
Men and women both need emotional intimacy to enjoy frequent, spontaneous, and joyful sexual encounters. But so few of us know how to obtain that connection.
If you and your partner are struggling with the desire for sexual connection, there are some important things you must do.
Take a look below to find out what you can do to help reignite the passion and get him to be more interested in sex:
1. Schedule a full physical examination.
This is important for both sexes but vital for men. As urologist Daniel Shoskes, MD says, "The penis is the ‘dipstick’ for physical health." It’s often the first indicator of a problem.
During a male physical, your partner would go through a testicular exam, a prostate cancer screening, and a cholesterol test. During the testicular exam part, a doctor checks for lumps, changes in size, and tenderness.
2. Get his hormone levels checked by a doctor.
I suffered from low desire my whole life and found out a few years ago my testosterone level was way off.
When a man gets his hormone levels checked, the doctor tests for seven different hormones that are involved in male reproductive and sexual functions: testosterone, androstenedione, dihydrotestosterone (DHT), DHEA and DHEA-S, estrone and estradiol (estrogens), and lastly progesterone.
All he has to do is supply a single saliva sample.
3. Start educating yourself.
Learn more about communication, connection, and intimacy. Start learning about the differences between men's and women's sex drives and ways of stimulation because they do differ.
Have a discussion with your guy about it. What does your partner need to be in the mood? What makes your partner want to have sex with you?
Try to look for ways that offer up a closer connection between the two of you. This could be engaging in activities you've never done before or going to a place you've always wanted to see. Try to make the relationship more intimate.
There are also many good sites online that will help you transform your intimacy.
4. Stop taking it personally.
This is not about you having failed your partner or your partner failing you. It is simply that you both need to take ownership of the problem as a couple. It’s a relationship problem you can solve together.
His lack of interest in sex can have nothing to do with you, so stop beating yourself up so you can work together to find a solution.
5. Understand that men are just as sensitive emotionally as women are.
We all carry with us baggage from our past that impacts our sexual desire and our ability to connect emotionally. Sex therapists can help you both reconnect emotionally to get the engine revving again.
Having exciting, frequent sex with your partner is not just good for your relationship, it's also good for you. Your health and emotional well-being are greatly enhanced by engaging in satisfying sex.
According to Medical News Today, "When sexual abstinence is involuntary, some individuals may feel negative effects on their mental health. Conversely, people who do not feel sexual desire may find these feelings distressing. Not having sex when in a relationship can make a person feel insecure or anxious."
How do you know if your boyfriend isn't sexually attracted to you?
The easiest answer would be if he rejects you when you initiate sex or decides his hand is a better play date than you are for him. Other signs could be if he doesn't touch you as much anymore or if he's become cold or distant towards you.
It’s not a secret anymore that if you want to keep your relationship alive, you have to work at it. If the sex is not alive, then there is something amiss in the relationship and there is no one to blame, only work to be done.
The good news is that it’s not something that takes years and years to do, and it’s an exciting thing to participate in even if you don’t get immediate results. Cement your future, your relationship and your health by making sure to reignite the passion.
More for You:
Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is a veteran marriage and family therapist, speaker, and author with almost 30 years experience transforming lives. Check out her books and her YouTube channel.