Do you have a friend who always seems to have guys falling over themselves to help her?
Do you have a woman in your inner circle who always seems to have guys fall over themselves to do things for her? Long before I knew what I know now about men, I had a friend like that.
Kelly was petite and charming with a head of thick, long raven black hair and, at the time, appeared to have the super power ability to inspire men wherever she went to do things for her.
Men would buy her drinks at bars, paint her living room, pick her up at 2am, fix her broken sink, give her spontaneous gifts and shower her in a multitude of ways with attention. It was fascinating to watch how men melted and morphed into knights in shining armor in her presence.
I have to admit, I envied her. Even though I was fun, confident and attractive, I would never receive the same level of attention Kelly inspired. Every man – even strangers – gravitated to her like moths to a flame and catered to her every whim. For the longest time I thought it was her looks but, that didn’t’ make sense because I observed other women like Kelly who attracted similar attention but weren’t nearly as attractive.
I also couldn’t figure out why men kept falling for this. I mean, how could men respect a woman who always needed to be taken care of? It wasn’t until I went on my own personal quest and spent 3 years listening to feedback from hundreds of men (and creating a worn out path in the self help section of my local book store) for me to finally crack this code for myself.
But man, was it ever worth it!
What Kelly (unbeknownst to her) had developed naturally was actually a 3 step formula:
1.She was proud to want things
2.Always assumed her needs would – and should – be met
3.Demonstrated her appreciation with either a big smile or “thank you”
Every book I read and man I spoke with affirmed how important it was to men to feel useful and needed by a woman. They admired independent women but, what really turned their crank, were women who clearly expressed their desires and followed up with appreciation.
I was brought up to believe men would be more attracted to me the more I demonstrated how self sufficient I was. Like “oh don’t worry guys, it’ll be no hassle going out with me because I can do everything myself”. Holy man, talk about putting on man repellent!
Running to open my own door, paying for half the bill on first dates, meeting men at restaurants and, in relationships, never asking for help, support or what I wanted. It makes me cringe to think of all the little and big ways I reminded men they weren’t needed.
This may look like a simple formula to follow but most women struggle with it. In an earlier article I touched on this:
“Women are in limbo right now. Not Feminist, but not quite feminine either. They’ve become like men to make it in a man’s world and stuffed their femininity along the way so they won’t appear weak or needy.”
If this describes you, I want you to know this mindset is having a serious impact on your love life. The only way more love, intimacy and romance can come into your life is to make room for it. Allowing men to provide for you will create that opening.
This isn’t about you being a “high maintenance” woman. Demanding, ungrateful and never satisfied. Not at all. It’s about being what I refer to as Desirable maintenance. This kind of woman is so deliciously attractive to men because she’s learned how to maintain a balance between her independence yet remain in tune to her needs, expresses what she wants and – most importantly – graciously receives and appreciates all that is provided for her.
I understand this may go against everything you currently believe. I was there too. But I’ve witnessed how powerful this formula works in my own life as well as for those of my students so I recommend keeping an open mind. If you’re ready to make a change, then follow the steps below. Every journey begins with a first step!
1.Starting today, make the decision to graciously accept every compliment you receive now and going forward. No more deflecting or putting down your beauty, accomplishments or natural talents. Train yourself to say “thank you” at all times.
2. For the next 7 days, make a point of giving verbal appreciation for every single thing a man does for you. Opening a door, a male co-worker getting you coffee, your neighbor helping you, your husband taking out the garbage or your brother fixing your computer….any small or large task a man does for you (friends and strangers alike) make a point of thanking them.
The great thing about this is once men feel appreciation from you, they want to do MORE for you – so great, yes?! Practicing Step 1, will help you stay open to receiving this new attention. Have fun!
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