6 Tiny Signs You're In Love With A Serious Narcissist
The basics behind narcissistic personality disorder.
Epic Vision | Shutterstock Healthy folks mostly stay in a good mood. They can ride life's bumps in good humor. They also have open ears. When you say something to them, they seem to hear it and take it seriously. They succeed in watching out for themselves and, at the same time, respond with generosity and compassion.
Unfortunately, the same can't be said for narcissists. What does "narcissistic" mean? Narcissism is a clinical term for what generally boils down to selfishness. Narcissistic men want their way, pay insufficient attention to what others want, and can be tough to get along with. If you don't do what they want, they will likely get angry.
That's a short explanation of the basics behind narcissistic personality disorder. If you're dating someone who exhibits signs of narcissism, that might be a major red flag for your relationship.
Here are 6 tiny signs you're in love with a serious narcissist:
1. They don't care about your feelings, thoughts or ideas
"What I want, feel, think, or believe is all that matters, so I don't bother taking seriously what you say, especially when it differs from my thoughts or preferences."
Narcissists think listening is like being a hockey goalie: They knock away what others say instead of letting the ideas of others enter a shared pool of information. If you say something that's a good idea, don't expect credit from a deeply entrenched narcissist. But they will likely say your idea later as if it were their own.
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2. Everything is always all about them
"Since I know more, I'm smarter and I'm always right, I do most of the talking, and that talking is mostly about me. That's why I take up most of the air time in conversations." Narcissistic people are sometimes, and even often, generous. The difficulty comes when what they want is contrary to what you want. Then, it's all about them, their wants, their needs, and not yours.
3. They don't live by anyone else's rules
"I can have affairs, cut into a line where others are waiting, cheat on my taxes, and ignore rules that get in the way of my doing what I want." Narcissists suffer from what I call "Tall Man Syndrome." They feel they are special and above others, so rules don't apply to them.
4. They don't want to hear about your issues
"I'm likely to get mad if you insist on telling me all of your concerns. Your concerns sound like criticism, so I'll want to hurt you back." Narcissists think everything is about them, so if you try to say something about a feeling like sadness or anxiety you've been experiencing, they are likely to hear it as a criticism of themselves. If they don't take your feelings personally, they still are unlikely to respond with much sympathy or helpfulness. They are more likely to react with irritation than compassion because the focus is supposed to be on them, not on others.
5. When you argue, it's always your fault
"I can't be expected to apologize or to admit blame. I'm above others and reproach." Unwillingness to take responsibility for mistakes goes hand in hand with quickness to blame. Stay clear of blamers, or ignore them. Otherwise, they can be very demoralizing. Also, be realistic about their capacity for change. They are often unlikely to make bad habits better because they don't learn from their mistakes.
6. If they are angry, it's also your fault
"You made me mad. I'm only mad because you ____!" Again, blaming others is a narcissistic means of sustaining self-worth. Beware of getting mad back at a narcissist, they'll respond with fury. They can get mad at you (because it's your fault if they are mad), but all heck is likely to break loose if you dare to show the slightest irritation toward them.
If any of these behaviors sound familiar, here's what you can do:
1. Pay attention to signs of narcissism in yourself
Narcissism is habit patterns, and habits can be changed. Awareness of your narcissistic tendencies can empower you to notice and fix slippages.
2. Don't panic if someone you know is a narcissist
You may benefit from changes in the habitual ways you react to that person. For instance, if your favorite narcissist is prone to anger, get out of the way. Gracefully exit the situation for a few minutes to let him cool down. Just say, "I need to get a drink of water. Be back in a minute."
3. Don't take it personally
Remember, verbal stones people hurl when they are mad generally don't represent what they feel in normal emotional times. Check out if the criticisms of you are quite good descriptions of the person from whose mouth the criticisms have come. For example, check if they are what psychologists call projections. (Take the threats of abusive people seriously, though)
4. Repeat yourself
Having trouble getting your view heard? Say it again. Or ask, "So what made sense to you in what I said?"
5. Become a master at win-win problem-solving
If you take a leadership role to be sure your concerns, as well as theirs, become important, you'll be less likely to cave into their way just to keep them calm.
6. Stay calm
Everyone listens better when they are in a good mood. Anger escalations increase the odds that both of you will end up in a zero-listening narcissism trap.
The bottom line? If you can see it and name it, the odds zoom upward you will be able to figure out how to deal with narcissism effectively. That's important because many of the most lovable and admirable people in this world tend toward narcissistic habits. No need to give up on them, just get savvy.
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Dr. Susan Heitler is a clinical psychologist and author. She is a subject matter expert in breaking bad habits and unhealthy behaviors.