It's a taboo subject in our culture: Married women, who dislike, or even hate, having sex with their husbands. It's a subject usually held in silence, behind embarrassment, confusion and sometimes even apathy. It's consoled with inner thoughts, such as, "There's more important things in a marriage than sex," "This is just a phase," or "My attraction will increase when the kids are older." "Perfect" Married Couples: As Happy As We Think?
But at the back of minds, a thought lingers: What if this is forever? What if I'm abnormal? What would outsiders think if they knew the truth about "us"? I'm going to come right out and say it: I despised having sex with my husband when we were married. And I'm not saying this to suggest that he was a bad person or I was a bad person, it was just my truth. And there were many reasons contributing to my disinterest:
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■ Exhaustion from having three kids in diapers
■ Hormonal changes from pregnancy
■ Not feeling sexy/desirable in my skin
■ Feeling pressured to have sex and thus, like an "object"
■ The emotional disconnect we experienced outside the bedroom rolled into the bedroom 9 Sex Positions That Enhance Emotional Intimacy
■ And many others...
Add up all the reasons and basically what it came down to is that I was emotionally "closed" to my husband...and soon my legs followed. That's not to say I didn't try. In fact, I participated anyway, knowing full-well that if I didn't, emotional retaliation would follow. He'd be grumpy, mean, sarcastic and accusing. It was easier to just close my eyes, smile, pretend and mentally go somewhere else. Do I Have To Settle For Subpar Sex?
I'm sure that my disinterest in sex, which I come clean on in my upcoming memoir, isn't something all women—married or divorcing—can relate to. But now that I’m four years into my divorce I do understand that my body is a source of wisdom unto itself; that it's worth listening to and honoring. For now, I see that it knew my marriage was in serious trouble before my head and heart figured it out. And I'll never disrespect myself and my body in that way again.
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