'I Hated Having Sex With Him'
By Delaine Moore. Posted on .
It's a taboo subject in our culture: Married women, who dislike, or even hate, having sex with their husbands. It's a subject usually held in silence, behind embarrassment, confusion and sometimes even apathy. It's consoled with inner thoughts, such as, "There's more important things in a marriage than sex," "This is just a phase," or "My attraction will increase when the kids are older." "Perfect" Married Couples: As Happy As We Think?
But at the back of minds, a thought lingers: What if this is forever? What if I'm abnormal? What would outsiders think if they knew the truth about "us"? I'm going to come right out and say it: I despised having sex with my husband when we were married. And I'm not saying this to suggest that he was a bad person or I was a bad person, it was just my truth. And there were many reasons contributing to my disinterest:
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■ Exhaustion from having three kids in diapers
■ Hormonal changes from pregnancy
■ Not feeling sexy/desirable in my skin
■ Feeling pressured to have sex and thus, like an "object"
■ The emotional disconnect we experienced outside the bedroom rolled into the bedroom 9 Sex Positions That Enhance Emotional Intimacy
■ And many others...
Add up all the reasons and basically what it came down to is that I was emotionally "closed" to my husband...and soon my legs followed. That's not to say I didn't try. In fact, I participated anyway, knowing full-well that if I didn't, emotional retaliation would follow. He'd be grumpy, mean, sarcastic and accusing. It was easier to just close my eyes, smile, pretend and mentally go somewhere else. Do I Have To Settle For Subpar Sex?
I'm sure that my disinterest in sex, which I come clean on in my upcoming memoir, isn't something all women—married or divorcing—can relate to. But now that I’m four years into my divorce I do understand that my body is a source of wisdom unto itself; that it's worth listening to and honoring. For now, I see that it knew my marriage was in serious trouble before my head and heart figured it out. And I'll never disrespect myself and my body in that way again.
More from Delaine, author of "The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom", at I Am Divorced Not Dead:
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