As a relationship coach who works primarily with some very successful women, there’s one big mistake I see women make over and over again in their relationships with men. I know for a fact that this problem sabotages – and kills – millions of potential relationships before they ever get off the ground – and I also know it’s 100% preventable.
Here’s the problem:
More from YourTango: Single Survival Tips: 6 Fun Tips To Chase Away The Holiday Blues
Simply put, men and women have two of their highest and deepest needs in absolute, total and direct conflict. As a result, it creates a real disconnect from the very beginning stages of their relationship...the exact time when their relationship lacks the stability or trust to compensate for the challenges. That’s not even the worst part. The long-term effect of this one mistake often causes women to stack disappointment and heartbreak until eventually they begin to demonize men, or even worse, question their own value and worth. I teach my clients how to avoid it – and the results speak for themselves.
What women need...
Feminine energy’s number one need is to feel “safe” before anything else can even happen. She may feel intense attraction fueled by chemistry – but she can’t have connection unless she can set fear aside and open in vulnerability (which is another whole new topic). Feminine also navigates the world via emotion which is why she typically has such a finely-tuned intuition...but it also makes her more susceptible to fear. Simply put, if she connects with a man and he can leave, she is anything but safe and far too vulnerable for comfort. That means her need for certainty requires her to DEFINE the relationship...talk about it...figure out where they are...set limitations...insure exclusivity...and this is where the problem lies.
What men need...
One of masculine energy’s deepest values is FREEDOM. In fact, there’s something in the psyche of nearly every man that the whole notion of freedom just stirs his soul and calls out the hero within. Make no mistake – men will die for it – so don’t think he’ll easily give it away. It’s what led brigades of men to charge the beaches of Normandy in WWII and defy the odds against heavily armed forces. There’s even a great scene in the Mel Gibson movie “Braveheart” when a bunch of Scottish farmers are totally outnumbered by a far superior British army...but when Mel rides up on his horse and gives them the choice to go home and be slaves or stay and fight and die as FREE Men...I'll bet you can imagine what happened next. They charged down that hill...screaming “FREEEDOOOMM!!” and against all odds, they WON. Here’s what this means to you ladies: if a guy feels like you’re trying to metaphorically "enslave" him...get your hooks in him...take his freedom...or limit his choices...he will rebel, disappear, put up walls or “need some space.” Perhaps that sounds familiar?
More from YourTango: The 6 Secrets Men Wished You Knew About Them
Can you see the disconnect?
The reason I shared the movie scene description is because it viscerally drives home my point and you can even see it here if you want a powerful reminder: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEOOZDbMrgE