11 Hilariously Awful Sex Tales That'll Make You Mortified FOR Them

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bad sex stories
Sex

"I vomited on his penis."

Who doesn’t love a good old-fashioned bad sex story? No matter how different our sexual pasts may be, few things bring us together quicker than sharing those times when things went horribly awry in the bedroom.

Stories of others' awkward, bizarre, or generally catastrophic mishaps prove that no matter how much practice we've had, we're all just improvising when it comes to mushing our body parts together recreationally. 

Cackling at our sexy misadventures is both cathartic and validating in a strange way, but don't worry if you don't have any girlfriends nearby to swap bad sex stories with. We've rounded up some real gems to jumpstart your personal healing.

Get comfortable and strap in. You're in for a treat!

1. He begged me to clean out my vagina after sex.

“After he realized the condom broke, he grabbed my hand, dragged me into the bathroom and freaked out, begging me to wash out my vagina while screaming about not being able to pay for a baby. After calming him down, I went out and got Plan B like a sane person. The next day in the acting class where we met, he decided to retell that story as part of our stand-up comedy improv to a group of seven people who all knew it was about me.”

2. He dislocated his hip.


Tenor

“I just wanted a quick one-nighter with this guy in my class who was an idiot but was ripped from playing hockey and seemed like he’d be great in the sack. When I got to his apartment, hockey was all he wanted to talk about, and he even asked if I wanted to try on his pads before I joined him in bed.

What he neglected to mention, however, was that he’d recently dislocated his hip playing this beloved sport of his, so when I was straddling him, I heard a 'POP!' and he started screaming in pain. He then instructed me how to help him hold his foot while he snapped his hip back into the socket while we were both greased up and naked. Unable to move, he asked me to bring him a Vicodin before requesting that I leave.”

3. His mom caught us.

"His super-religious mother walked into the room where we were going at it on the floor and said exactly one word: his name."

4. He tried to get our friends to have a threesome with us.

"For my birthday, he 'surprised' me by telling me he’d propositioned all my friends to join us for a threesome. His honest-to-god, legitimate plan was to surprise me with whoever agreed just showing up in our bedroom the night of. Not only did nobody agree, but they all thought I was a massive creep who had masterminded this whole f*cked up situation."

5. I gave him a black eye (oops).

“I was hooking up with a drunken, late-night booty call who lived one building over on my college’s very small residential area. He made the grave mistake of attempting Surprise Anal, which was such a surprise that I leaned forward (I was on top) and punched him in the face with all my body weight. He walked around campus with a black eye for about a week while making up some story about a rugby injury to anyone who asked.”

6. I got an ice cube stuck to my vagina.


Primogif

"Remember that tongue-stuck-to-the-ice-pole scene in A Christmas Story? Imagine that but with an ice cube stuck to my labia. We thought it'd be fun to try, but it was the most excruciating 90 seconds of my life."

7. He mounted me.

“He was cute in a surfer boy kind of way — long, curly hair, stocky build, and hysterical personality. We hit it off immediately. When we were finally alone, we started getting hot and heavy. Then it happened: He MOUNTED me! I was lying on the couch and he climbed on top of me like a woman, legs wrapped around my hips.

He then proceeded to pull some kind of Silence of the Lambs Buffalo Bill move, pushing his junk between his legs trying to penetrate me. At that moment, some friends walked in the door and said, 'What the f*ck are you doing, brother? Why are you trying to f*ck her like a girl?!'”

8. An entire motorcade of trucks saw us getting freaky in the car.

"One time, my husband and I decided to get adventurous whilst driving down a deserted West Texas road, so he unzipped and I got on his lap for some quickie girl-on-top sex. Not a soul in sight... until over a rise in the road came a 15-truck transport caravan of young Air Force troops. It was SO obvious what was transpiring in our car and there was no way to disentangle ourselves before the trucks passed. To my eternal mortification, we got a 15-truck air horn salute from yelling and waving airmen."

9. He spit on my vagina for lubrication.

"Apparently, he only learned about sex from porn, so he started off by spitting on my vagina and then slapping it gently with his hand. That was all the foreplay he had in his arsenal. Then later, after I blew him, he attempted to try to get himself hard again by beating his dick on my vagina while he was between my legs. In the middle of it, he noticed I’d dried up, so he let some spit drop down from his mouth onto me again. What a gentleman. That’s when I was out."

10. I caught my roommate getting pegged.


Gifrific

“My college roommate was always bringing home randoms — literally every night and usually because she was wasted. One night I went to the bathroom and when I turned on the light she was there, bending over the sink, and a girl was behind her getting ready to penetrate her with a strap-on.

Just as I realized what I was seeing, my roommate whipped around to face her date, saw the dildo, and yelled, 'WHAT THE F*CK!?' She then slapped it so hard, it was knocked out of the holster and hit the wall just beside where I was quickly slamming the door to get the hell out of there. To this day, I'm still not sure what happened, but I've definitely knocked before entering any bathroom anywhere ever since."

11. I vomited on his penis.

"He wouldn't stop trying to make me deep throat. So I threw up on his dick and left. The end.”

 

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