Because there's nothing more American than drinking to excess.
Tonight Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton square off in their second presidential debate.
I am so excited, I feel like I finally understand people's passion for the Super Bowl.
A seasoned politician with years of experience, Hillary Clinton has been preparing for this debate. She's primed and ready to go, having reportedly spent the entire weekend holed up with her staff doing prep work.
"'Like a lot of women, I have a tendency to over prepare,' Clinton said at Greensboro, North Carolina event earlier this month. 'I sweat the details,'" CNN reports.
Based on the last debate, Donald Trump is more like that one guy in your high school who was like "I don't need to study" and spent all his time giving nerds swirlies and who is now working for his father at a septic tank treatment company wondering where the hell his life went.
Hillary Clinton is sure to be well-spoken, dry, and unflappable. The only thing I'm certain about regarding Trump is that he will present, and he will be every inch Clinton's opposite.
Donald Trump isn't a politican. He's a bag of tepid wind, both figuratively and literally. He doesn't follow rules, he doesn't tell the truth, and he doesn't 'fess up when his lies or verbal diarrhea get him into hot water.
Plus, the two candidates will undoubtedly discuss Trump's crass comments about women from the tape released on Friday. You know, the one where he said he can grab a woman's p****y without her consent because he is a star.
What does all of this mean for tonight's debate?
Easy: it's going to be absolutely un-missable.
But just in case the main event doesn't sound entertaining enough for you as it is, I've drawn up some quick rules to turn tonight's debate into a drinking game. They are easy to follow, fun for all, and almost certainly guaranteed to have you calling in sick to work tomorrow.
You are welcome in advance.
- Every time Donald Trump does this with his hands, drink.
- Every time Hillary Clinton coughs, the last person to yell "Oh Pneu she didn't!" must take two tequila shots.
- Every time Donald Trump's mouth reminds you of a puckering sphincter, drink.
- Every time Hillary Clinton says "Bitch, please" with her eyes, drink.
- Every time someone denies institutional racism, drink.
- Every time the moderator looks nervous, drink, then tweet the supportive (yet presumably drunken) tweet of your choice.
- If either candidate rolls their eyes, take TWO shots.
- Every time someone says "ISIS" sing the first line of the chorus of "Toxic" by Britney Spears and then eat a vodka Gummi Bear.
- For every cut-away to Bill Clinton where he is not asleep, drink.
- If someone actually says the word p***y on national television during an actual presidential debate (yes, this is real life America), you must shotgun a beer and pray for the future of our country.
- If Donald Trump follows the actual rules of the debate, pour yourself a sensible glass of whole milk.
- Every time Donald Trump says "excuse me," bellow "THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR YOU", then do a shot.
- Every time Hillary Clinton says "families" sip an icy Chardonnay and nod your head and say, "That's right, that's right."
- In homage to Hillary Clinton's appearance on "Between Two Ferns", whenever the TPP is mentioned, yell, "YEAH YOU KNOW ME" and then drink.
- Every time Donald Trump says "huge", audibly despair for our nation and then take a drink.
As always, in these fraught times, enjoy your debate responsibly, definitely take advantage of a car service (or just stay home), and make sure you drink plenty of water before falling into your tear-soaked pillow.