There's more to me than my booty.
Once upon a time, this white girl had quite the booty. I've always been curvy, with thick muscular legs and a generously round gluteus maximus. My weight has fluctuated up and down throughout my life, but usually the butt remained.
When I had my booty, I hated it. I wanted to be skinnier and have a body that fit into normal clothing. Jeans shopping was hell. Every pair inevitably gapped in the waist and fit too snugly in the ass and thighs. I felt insecure in bikini bottoms. I wasn't overweight, but my butt made me feel dumpy and thick. I thought I wanted to get rid of it.
I was also keenly aware of the way that guys saw me because of my body. To be frank, white dudes rarely hit on me. I got a range of ethnicities all day, every day, but I was seemingly too "voluptuous" for the Caucasian bros. Give me a break. I may be short, but I'm anything but plus-size.
I hated my butt even more because men felt they had a right to comment on it constantly. The dudes who did hit on me weren't shy, and they made blatant comments about me owning a "ghetto booty," as if it were near impossible for a white girl to ever have junk in her trunk.
I felt targeted. I wanted to escape the attention that I got out on the street that I never asked to receive. I'm built the way I'm built. That doesn't give anyone a right to harass me, but apparently the men I passed on the sidewalk felt differently.
I dated a man who told me he was really glad I had a big ass because I was "really cool," but no matter how much he liked a girl he couldn't be with her if she had a flat butt. I should've known better and dumped him immediately, but I was young and dumb.
I thought it was a compliment to be objectified by someone I was dating. I was flattered that he was sexually attracted to me. I had very little self-esteem at the time, obviously.
I maintained my weight and my curvaceous lower half, for the most part. Then I went through a really rough breakup (not with Butt Guy, but a different boyfriend after him). I basically quit eating for three months. I lost a lot of weight. I lost my most familiar asset, so to speak.
It's been over a year, and no matter how many squats I do, the booty is smaller than ever before. It's tight and perky, yes, but definitely not a ghetto ass anymore. I'm happy to be thinner and in better shape, but I miss my butt.
I thought I hated it, and now I'm self-conscious. I get very defensive if anyone ever dismisses it as too small or too "white." It's stupid, but I feel less sexy and desirable.
I hate that a societal ideal of what is considered sexy in today's culture has shaped my opinion of my own body so definitively. I'm glad to no longer get cat-calls as I run errands but I'm also slightly offended. I don't get hit on at all anymore. It could be because I don't put myself in situations where I will be, but it feels a little sad sometimes. On the other hand, when men do speak to me, they seem more interested in my personality and wit than staring at me as I walk away.
I want to love my body regardless of what men think of it. I'm such a feminist and yet, I'm breaking my own feminist rules. Why should I care if a guy thinks I have an acceptable ass? I should love myself and my ass, no matter how big or small it may be.
I know that I have so much more to offer than a body part that has only in recent history been deemed the epitome of female desirability. I'm sure there are plenty of great guys out there who will love me just the way I am if I let go of my own hang-ups.
So I'll say it: I actually like having a smaller butt! If I let go of all the ways that I think people judge my body, I can clarify how I really feel. I only miss it because it seems like men are less attracted to me now that I don't have it.
When I let go of all that superficial crap, I realize that my worth and desirability has nothing to do with the size of my ass. Screw what men think! I like that it's perky and no longer feels like a weight behind me when I run and dance and move. I like fitting into any pants I want without any problems.
I get envious once in awhile when I see a ridiculously curvy girl in a tight dress, but not in a hateful way. We're all built differently, and we're all beautiful the way we are. If some dumb guy is judging me on the size of my booty, I don't want to waste my time with him anyway. Let him go find what he wants. I'll find someone who wants me, whether my ass is big or small or somewhere in between.
Oh, and by the way, it's pretty great not worrying about getting lewd comments on the street. Let's teach men to respect women of all sizes and not presume that they can harass us to "show their appreciation." Show your appreciation by shutting up and giving us the space we deserve.