How To Handle Your First Sex Party Like A Swinger Boss!

Photo: weheartit
How To Handle Sex Games And Dildos Like A Swinger Boss!
Self, Sex

Step one: Check your expectations at the door ...

How do you make the most of a swinger house party?

Go in with no expectations. Next!

Yet again I've try to boil down an answer into one single sentence which may be true — but also is not quite as simple as one might imagine.

(Were you really imagining that might be simple? If so, I may as well just tell you that the answer to "how to deal with jealousy" is to not be jealous.)

With time and experience, I’ve evolved to know how to better deal with housebound play parties.

So, step one: evolve. Hmm, perhaps not instructive. Or constructive. And rather ... dickish.

In truth, the evolution has taken quite a bit of time. I’m well into my sixth year of this thing called swing, and have attended quite a few house parties over the years.

I’ve come a long way from the night I sat on a couch until 1 am playing a long game that amounted to the saddest hand job in the world — while my partner had the time of her life.

It’s still terribly hard NOT to see the guest list as a menu and formulate a plan in your head about who you’d like to connect with that night.

I’m not using that term as a euphemism, either. It’s important to recognize that no matter what level of sexuality happens with any given party goer, you’re connecting.

From a "How was your week" around the buffet table (the actual food buffet, not the dildo buffet shown below) to having four fingers inside a lovely woman you met an hour ago — you’re connecting.

LifeOnTheSwingset.com

So, step one for real: Connect with people.

That "no expectations" part up top follows along with the connecting and checking the guest list part. Expecting to have sex with someone, regardless of the reason for the expectation (previous dates, verbal commitments, naked selfies) puts you in a precarious position if that doesn’t pan out, it adds a whole lotta possible resentment.

It also leaves you vulnerable to self-loathing if for whatever reason (even your own choice) you don’t end up "playing" with anyone at the party.

So, I guess step one is don’t expect to have sex with anyone. Because then if you do ... Yahtzee!

The bastard stepchild of the "no expectations" thing is to try not to make plans. Making plans is just begging for things to fall apart. And worse, because it involves someone else, you’ve got multiple people expecting something to happen. Disappointment can reign supreme if that falls apart.

It’s also tempting (and crass [and I’ve done it {many times}]) to make plans with several people. Especially if you only rarely go to parties, and therefore only see these people rarely, and therefore feel like you need to make the ABSOLUTE MOST of this party by spending time and connecting with everybody you possibly can.

Which can be fun. It really can. But you’re ultimately short changing them all — and yourself.

"F*ck you, Coop!," you say, beginning to slur your words. "I can play with several girls at one party and get them all to orgasm multiple times like the god amongst men that I am!"

Let me set down my keyboard and give you a slow clap.

Slow and steady.

So yeah, sure, you can do that. Having once boasted on Twitter about beating my previous party record of four women in one party by having sex with five (this is not an #explanabrag, BTW. I’m actually mildly embarrassed about having this … ), I can tell you it’s pretty epic.

But my for-real-time-actually-spent with each of these women was rather worthless.

My dick, hard only because of the over the counter SURELY dangerous knock-off Viagra.

Getting up moments after orgasming to move along to the next person.

Fun. Yes. Fulfilling?

If I’m auditioning for a Michael Fassbender part, sure. (Man he was great in that movie! And Carey Mulligan!)

And I really don’t mean to harp on people who play that way. Good on you! SUCK THE MARROW and so forth.

I just get a lot more out of parties now.

(I just realized that I’m sounding an awful lot like an older man telling a teenager that he shouldn’t just sleep around … while that teenager is just pointing to his non-chemically enhanced erection as he dials tonight’s date on his cell. Hrm. #RealizationsSuck)

But seriously, I do. And two things happened to get me there.

Step one: Forget your personal definition of sex if it only involves penetration. And, step one: learn to enjoy not having sex.

(Lots of step ones, eh? Well, it’s all important.)

“F*ck you, Coop. You know you used to write a pretty kick-ass blog about sex!”

Let me be VERY clear, irate and belligerent reader (whom I understand only exists inside my head): I very much enjoy the whole having sex with people at play parties thing. And I have had sex with someone at every play party I’ve ever been to. But enjoying not having sex is key to enjoying the entire party.

There’s so much that's awesome at the best play parties.

People in sexy outfits, great conversations, even some fun games. Seriously, when was the last time you played Spin The Bottle, it’s pretty awesome! 

Then there’s watching people have sex because voyeurism is participation.

Then there’s seeing what toys are in play for the evening.

There’s meeting new people who may go on to be the greatest sex partners you’ve ever known. (I know, I know, the best sex you have is with your partner. [Coop makes jerk off motion])

There’s meeting those people you’ve been flirting with online and finding out that they may be extremely hot, but when they talk it’s just … hell no.

So many wonderful things and times to be had BETWEEN the sex at play parties.

And that part about letting sex be any sex act and not just penetrative? Just make that change. I promise you’ll be happier. (Or your money back!)

So really, how to make the most out of a swinger party? You ready? It’s REALLY EASY ...

Step one: recognize that, like any other party you ever attend, the party will be defined by so many things.

The location, the people who attend, your mood, your partner’s mood, (since it’s non-mono, your paramour’s mood), the traffic to and from, the booze supply.

But ultimately it’s what you make of it.

And having no expectations.

Because when was the last time you stormed out of a birthday party because they DIDN’T MAKE YOUR EFFING FAVORITE KIND OF CAKE?

I didn’t think so.

(And if you did … Asshole!)

Listen Now: Speaking of ultimate parties, this past November the crew from Life On The Swingset: The Podcast brought 79 (and a half) couples to the Desire Resort & Spa in Mexico to collectively enjoy and consume everything available in the sexiest place on earth.

This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Author
Blogger