The 2016 Olympics are here! RIO, BABY!
I should tell you why I'm so excited and confess almost immediately that it has little slash nothing to do with sports and medals or even the glory of all our countries coming together as one.
No, no, I am in a veritably tizzy because of men's gymnastics. I mean...
I kind of feel like I could just leave this entire story at that. I mean, have you seen those gyms whirl around a pummel horse? If not, please go back and watch the GIF above for eleven hours.
They have upper body strength for days! All the better to throw me across the room during sexy, sexy, sex times.
But it turns out that others don't necessarily share my loin-boiling passion for male gymnasts.
In fact, Team USA spoke with The Wall Street Journal recently about their schemes to get just as much attention as their female counterparts.
In a word: They wanna get mad naked.
My number one naked dream BF Team USA's Sam Mikulak told the paper, "Maybe [we should] compete with our shirts off. People make fun of us for wearing tights. But if they saw how yoked we are maybe that would make a difference."
Do you want to know what yoked means? This is what yoked means. YOU ARE WELCOME, UNIVERSE AT LARGE.
Sure, in our culture we tend to mainly objectify women. So it's kind of great that the women of Team USA are garnering all of the attention for their skills rather than their buns (which are also, it must be said, quite impressive.) So why not take the reversal even further and give the male Olympians what they themselves desire? PURE OBJECTIFICATION.
The men of Team USA are dying for a little attention, and after seeing their naked abs, I am more than willing to give them the limelight they so crave. Aren't you?
Who needs a gold medal when your body is 14 karats of SOLID GOLD HUNK amiright?
Support Team USA and demand a naked Olympics.