9 Signs You're Basically His Sex Doll — NOT His Girlfriend

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Signs You're His Sex Doll, Not His Girlfriend

He's only it for sex if...

Not every man is a Prince Charming. Hell, most of them are neither princes nor charming. Yet we insist on dating them anyway. You should know, though, that not all of them are in it for the long haul. Some consider you merely a means to an end, a port in the storm.

Perhaps you fear you've landed in such a relationship. Here are nine sure-fire signs he considers you a sex doll rather than a girlfriend.

1. He never feeds you.

Sure, it's an obvious relationship red flag if he never takes you out to dinner, but even the stingiest of assh*les will occasionally offer you toast after a long night in. How dare he assume you need no sustenance.

2. He insists that you ride in the trunk of the car.

Well, unless it's rush hour and he wants to use the HOV lane. Then, when he reaches the office, he jumps out and leaves you in the car without even cracking a window.

3. He complains about your weight as he's trying to fit you on the top shelf of his closet.

If you're into the kind of guy who tries to bench press your body, I'm not going to judge... much. But if he's bench pressing you past the swinging pull switch of the bare bulb in his hall closet, you may need to re-evaluate your choices.

4. He often laments that he should've gone for the silicone model.

I mean, I suppose that's better than being compared to the cheerleader he dated in high school. Or the sorority girl who ended their relationship to travel to the Sudan with new water-purification technology. Or maybe just the mother of his children. He should praise the stuff you're made of, even if it IS brittle latex.

5. He lets his dog hump your leg.

That's probably more about him being too cheap to buy his dog its own sex doll. No, really. It's a thing.

6. He's startled when you answer the question, "Who's your daddy?"

If he's not going to buy man's best friend his own doll, he's certainly not going to spring for a model with voice options. Sex dolls should be seen, not heard. Well ... not heard, anyway. Unless you're English. Generally, I hear displaying erotic mannequins is frowned upon.

7. He's tried to use you as a flotation device.

I'll admit, they all can't channel Leo in Titanic, but if he's using you as a boogie board, it's time to jump ship  iceberg or no iceberg.

8. He's sprayed your vagina with Lysol.

Or come at your lady garden with a bottle brush. Actually, he probably thinks you're a sex doll if he's involved in your personal hygiene in any way. Vaginas should smell like vaginas, not patchouli, not potpurri, and not pine trees.

9. He's loaned you out to a kid's birthday party.

Bouncy houses are expensive. Make sure that cheap beau of yours takes off his shoes first. And maybe seek out a new fella, STAT.


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