The Most Sensual Way To Keep Mystery Alive In A Dull Marriage
How to toe the line between secrecy and mystery in your relationship.
Africa images, lunglee | Canva Modern marriage is complicated. We have more to do each day than most of us can reasonably handle and the sense of busyness just keeps growing. Some of this additional "stuff to do" evolved when we incorporated social media into our daily lives. We now interact (on our phones, computers, and tablets) with far more people than we ever did when we relied on face-to-face relationships alone. One of the hard consequences of this shift to perpetual busyness is that we have less time for the ones we intimately love.
Instead, we find our time swallowed up by our interactions with "friends" on Tinder, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and the like. This behavioral shift has opened a Pandora's Box of trouble in our relationships, enticing people to seek out love and attention from exes and/or flirt with new romantic interests online WHILE they're involved with a significant other IRL. As a result, most modern couples have a new requirement in marriage: total digital transparency.
How to keep the mystery alive in your relationship
According to Match's annual Singles In America survey, we want to safely pick up our partner's cell phone or innocently glance at their email without fearing that some stranger is lurking there trying to ruin our relationship. But, total digital transparency has a cost. When we know EVERYTHING about our partner, there's no mystery left. Without mystery, there is no attraction. And once attraction disappears, there's no juice to the relationship. You both get bored and feel lonely and that is when your eyes begin to wander and the commitment and connection between you falters.
Pexels / Andrea Piacquadio
So, what's a modern couple to do? We asked Dr. Helen Fisher, the lead researcher in the Singles In America study, what she sees as the ideal balance between the need for transparency versus novelty in a relationship. Former Senior VP Melanie Gorman joined Helen, along with relationship and communication expert Fiona Fine; matchmaker and dating coach Jasbina Ahluwalia; and author and dating coach Gregg Michaelsen to dig into exactly how a couple should (and shouldn't) approach indulging their need for novelty in this dicey digital climate.
Their answers may surprise you. The panel agrees — there is a fine line between secrecy and mystery (and secrecy is not good). And if you need support in this area, you're not alone. So many couples struggle to make sense of how to bring more novelty into their lives without messing up their relationship. But the pursuit is worthwhile because mystery truly is the core ingredient to maintaining a healthy marriage over the long haul. Do what you can to keep things fresh in your relationship. It's so worth it!
Melanie Gorman is the former Senior VP of YourTango Experts. Melanie Gorman is the former Senior VP of YourTango Experts. Helen Fisher Ph.D., is a biological anthropologist and Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute and Chief Scientific Advisor to the dating site Match. She is the author of the book The Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray, among other titles. Gregg Michaelsen is a best-selling author and one of Boston's top dating coaches. He has appeared on ABC, Fox, The Good Men Project, NBC, and more. Fiona Fine is a relationship and communications expert who specializes in men-women interactions. Jasbina Ahluwalia is a matchmaker and the founder of Intersections Match. She has been featured in Business Week, Chicago Tribune, Huffington Post, Entrepreneur Magazine, Inc., San Jose Mercury News, and more.