Turn your road trip into a sex drive.
Road head is amazing. It combines all the fun and danger of performing a sex act in public, with the actual danger of killing everyone involved (plus innocent bystanders).
But you're brave. And turned on. And reading this article. So, let me help a sister out.
Of course, you can always lean over and throw your mouth on him all willy nilly, but for maximum effectiveness, please employ these tips and advice for great oral sex in the car:
1. Grab a hair tie.
This is pretty standard equipment for most blowjays, but it's even more crucial here. You're going to be out of your comfort zone, with limited options for mobility or readjusting. Get your hair game under control and it's one fewer thing to worry about. Just focus on the sex.
2. Unzip his pants; he's gotta keep his eyes on the road!
For the most part, he should remain concerned with piloting the two tons of steel and death you're both entombed in. He's already going to be just a little distracted by what you're getting up to, so don’t tempt fate to turn you into a crash test dummy.
3. Learn to love swallowing.
Pop quiz: You're in the middle of an epic road trip and nearing the end of your passenger-seat performance. Do you:
A. Remove your mouth and let him make the car look like the inside of the Statue of Liberty in Ghostbusters 2?
B. Hold it in until you can find a place to stop and spit it out?
C. Swallow it like an adult?
The answer is C. Or A if you're a Bill Murray fan.
4. Use a cushion for leaning over the center console.
Pro tip: the center console will annihilate your ribs — absolutely devastate them. If you don't want bruises on your chest, grab a jacket or other soft item to cushion the blow, so to speak.
5. Stick to the freeway.
The less he has to do, the easier it is for you both. You also don't have to deal with stop lights, passersbye, or slow traffic that can allow voyeurs into your private performance.
6. Don't forget the music.
I mean, there's a radio RIGHT there. He's going to be a little distracted keeping you both alive, so setting the mood can help enhance the situation.
7. And don't forget the foreplay (really!).
Listen, this tip really is for you, ladies. He's not able to concentrate entirely on what you're doing while driving the car.
You're going to be pretty uncomfortable stretched over the center console, so in order to speed things up and save you neck and rib strain, give him a hand ... before you use your mouth.
8. Beware of road bumps.
Remember the most important lesson they taught you in driver's ed: It only takes one rogue pothole to bite his dick off.
9. Remind him to keep pace with other cars.
I suppose this tip depends on how much of an exhibitionist you are. If you don't want anyone peering in on your action, he needs to not pass or be passed by other cars ... especially tractor trailers. They can see EVERYTHING.
10. Keep some napkins in the glove compartment for cleanup.
Despite your best efforts, you might make a mess. That's where the pit stop you made at Wendy's an hour back comes in handy. Also, post-coital chicken nuggets. F*ck yeah!