Nick Jonas tries to be an adult by grabbing his bulge. That's not how it works.
Nick Jonas is officially creeping us out.
The former boy bander turned solo star is posing nearly naked in the new issue of Flaunt magazine, and we're not going to lie: From the neck down, he is, indeed, a gloriously sculpted dude. But everything is just so wrong with this.
Firstly, there's his face. I'm not saying he's the male version of a butterface, but he has the same squinty, emotionless expression no matter what he's doing: Grabbing his bulge, feeling his own buttcrack, eating a lemon, mourning the death of his goldfish. It just doesn't change.
Second, there's his music. His latest single, "Jealous," sounds like something Drake passed on and features Jonas being a possessive creep in a falsetto, which makes it that much creepier: "I wish you didn’t have to post it all / I wish you’d save a little bit just for me / Protective or possessive, yeah / Call it passive or aggressive / I turn my cheer music up / And I’m puffing my chest / I’m getting red in the face / You can call me obsessed / It’s not your fault that they hover / I mean no disrespect / It’s my right to be hellish / I still get jealous / 'Cause you’re too sexy, beautiful / And everybody wants a taste / That’s why (that’s why) / I still get jealous."
Hey, Nick Jonas? You're dating Miss Universe. It's her job to look attractive. Literally. Like, that's what she gets paid to do. That doesn't give you a right to be "hellish," even if you're jealous. It should make you proud, and if anything is going to make you "hellish," it should be the fact that you didn't get a rhyming thesaurus to find a better lyric to rhyme with "jealous" ("overzealous," maybe?), or perhaps you should be upset at the blatant sexism of pageantry as an institution and ask yourself why you're with someone who actively sells it.
Jonas, who's previously called out Rita Ora in song for not being interested in him, also wants you to make sweet, sour-faced love to his music, which is a little creepy, too. He told the mag, "There are songs on my record that I want people to have sex to, and songs people can listen to when they're pissed off. And I think that's the beautiful thing about music: that in those moments, you hear it and it elevates the scenario."
It's unclear exactly that sexual scenario would be elevated with a Nick Jonas song in the background: Does it serve as background noise to stop you from falling asleep? Hatef*cking? Keeping your partner from finishing too soon?
Then there's just the constant shirtlessness and crotch-grabbing in the shoot (and probably elsewhere). Dude, we get it. You're a big boy now. You don't wear a purity ring anymore. That's wonderful. But if you and your female foil (and ex-girlfriend) Miley Cyrus could just get dressed, act like actual mature adults and make music that doesn't make me want to shove sharp-edged Legos into my ear drums, that'd be great.
Now kindly get off my lawn.