You may think you know men (after all, you've been dating them for long enough), but have you ever stopped to wonder what guys find sexy? Besides a killer bod and a great personality, what makes them tick? And how do you tell if a guy likes you?
In this video, Senior VP of Experts Melanie Gorman asked YourTango Experts Kimberly Seltzer, Lisa Steadman, Laura Campbell and Danielle Dowling. They all agreed that one of the things that men notice most about women is their confidence in themselves. Women who embrace their feminity allow men to feel strong and virile.
"There's a difference between receiving and taking," Steadman says. "Women have a struggle receiving because that means you have to be vulnerable." Women tend to fear that vulnerability equals weakness, but the guys don't see it that way!
Want to learn more? Check out the video above!
Melanie Gorman: So what do men find sexy in women?
Kimberly Seltzer: Oh, ok, ok. I got this one. The number one thing is confidence.
Melanie Gorman: Ooooh.
Kimberly Seltzer: I’m telling you it-it, it doesn’t matter like what size, shape, age. I’ll never forget, I was coaching this guy and I always survey guys, you know? I said “look at that woman over there”, and there was a woman she was really pretty and you know, kind of stick-figured and just kind of walking stiffly. And I said “do you find that woman sexy?” and he said “well, she’s pretty but not sexy” and then a minute later another woman walked by, she was a little heavier-set but man, she was working it
Danielle Dowling: Rocking it
Lisa Steadman: Rocking those curves.
Kimberly Seltzer: And she was just so comfortable in her body. I said “do you find that woman sexy?” and he’s like “oh yeah”. You know, so.
Kimberly Setlzer: Right?
Danielle Dowling: It’s like energy, comfortable in your skin.
Kimberly Seltzer: Absolutely.
Danielle Dowling: I think it really does resonate.
Kimberly Seltzer: Yeah.
Danielle Dowling: With men and women.
Laura Campbell: One of the things that men find most sexy is when a woman smiles at them. Because they take it as their ability to make you smile. And I think that is a very sexy thing to have that ability, for them to feel that ability to make us happy.
Danielle Dowling: To give something to you. Yeah, give you that happiness, that spark.
Lisa Steadman: You know, I gotta say I’m a size 14 and I live in Los Angeles, so it’s typically a size 0 city, right? And I walked around for a lot of years apologizing for my size. And it wasn’t until I changed how I felt about my size, and the key difference for me that you’re talking to is I stopped apologizing for my size and I celebrated my shape.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kimberly Seltzer: Love it.
Lisa Steadman: Can I tell you my husband used to call me his “little lady” and the minute I started dressing for my shape he’s like “who is this sexy mama I’m married to?” and I was like “that’s right!”.
Kimberly Seltzer: Love it.
Danielle Dowling: It’s size versus shape. Also, yeah-
Lisa Steadman: Yeah, it’s not hiding in the clothes regardless of your size or you age or whatever. But it’s celebrating the shape because men always say they love the curve of a woman.
Laura Campbell: Men want to feel virile and masculine. They do. And, and when you can create a situation where you’re allowing them to feel that way stepping fully into being a woman-
Danielle Dowling: I really like this comment.
Laura Campbell: It’s sexy.
Danielle Dowling: I was thinking that a really attractive quality is receptivity.
Laura Campbell: Mmm.
Danielle Dowling: So that when a woman allows a man to provide to her or give to her, and I don’t necessary mean financially, just provide like, let - “can I take you out for dinner?”.
Laura Campbell: Allow her to feel like a lady.
Danielle Dowling: “Can I open the door for you?”, “can I run this errand for you?”, “can I pick this up for you on my way home?”, and I think in our culture again, talking about the gender shift and how we’re in the workplace even more, and we’re taking on a masculine role -
Lisa Steadman: And also making more money.
Danielle Dowling: and often making more money, very good point. We’ve gotten so used to being independent and self sufficient - “no, no, no, you don’t have to do that for me, I can do it for myself”-
Lisa Steadman: I got it.
Danielle Dowling: I got it, I got it. And it makes them feel like they can’t do anything for you, like “why am I around then if I can’t contribute to your life?”.
Lisa Steadman: I think it’s confusing for men right now.
Danielle Dowling: It’s totally confusing for men.
Laura Campbell: I have to tell you my boyfriend said to me very early on, he said “you are so sexy because you love being a woman”.
Lisa Steadman: Woah.
Laura Campbell: And you know what I hadn’t really thought about it, ‘cause I can be a little brazen.
Laura Campbell: I can be a little out-there. I’m not a shy wallflower. But you know what? The truth is I do love being a woman. And I like being a woman because I like him being a man. And I think that that is a really sexy-
Lisa Steadman: So celebrating that.
Laura Campbell: I think celebrating that is really super sexy.
Lisa Steadman: It is sexy.
Danielle Dowling: I would agree. My boyfriend’s very - he’s, he’s a provider, he likes to take care, and I think it makes him really happy when I sort of - I, you know what, I’m in this masculine role all day long, doing my work, pushing my company, doing whatever it is I need to do, and when I come home I have to remind myself I’m not manager, I’m not boss, I’m not- like I actually tell women, I remind them, I’m like “you need to turn back into a woman”-
Danielle Dowling: when you come home, and it doesn’t mean that you need to, you know, start washing some dishes or put the groceries away, or you do something that - but you just need, just get back into your femininity.
Lisa Steadman: But I admire that shift because you’re right, we do all day long make all the decisions. Run this business. Make this, do that. And then you come home, and I love switching, like handing the baton “here you go, baby”-
Danielle Dowling: Yes, I totally agree.
Lisa Steadman: I love snuggling in there, and getting, like my husband cooks and it’s really good.
Kimberly Seltzer: But that is femininity, is receiving. That’s what I, I feel like that’s the definition, is that a lot of women will say “but I don’t want to dumb down”.
Lisa Steadman: But there’s a difference between receiving and taking.
Laura Campbell: Oh, yes there is.
Lisa Steadman: And that’s important, be-
Melanie Gorman: What do you mean? Explain.
Kimberly Seltzer: Yeah, what do you mean?
Lisa Steadman: Because a lot- I feel like women have a struggle receiving a lot of times because that means that you have to be vulnerable and it means-
Danielle Dowling: You’re not independent enough.
Melanie Gorman: You mean allowing men to do things for you?
Lisa Steadman: Yeah. Where is, so, a lot of women, there’s - you know, it’s kind of the two camps: gold diggger, taker. You know, versus a woman who’s in her power and still is allowed to receive and give. And love that.
Danielle Dowling: Well we lack this paradigm in our culture where we can be independent and dependent at the same time. We sort of have this Hercules mentality.
Lisa Steadman: Oh, here comes the smarty, I love it.
Danielle Dowling: No, but I’m just saying we have this Hercules mentality like we gotta do it all ourselves and we, we, there’s no okay-ness about being independent and self-sufficient but also then being dependent.
Laura Campbell: Being a woman is not weak.
All: No, no.
Laura Campbell: It’s not weak, it’s just being a woman. And, and I think sometimes women get afraid that if they step too fully into that they’re going to appear to be weak or feel weak and, and -
Lisa Steadman: Vulnerability.
Laura Campbell: That’s right, but it’s - vulnerability can be sexy.
Danielle Dowling: I think it’s vulnerability and feeling safe in that vulnerability also.
Laura Campbell: That’s right.
Melanie Gorman: So for men-
Danielle Dowling: Again, that’s independent/dependent.
Melanie Gorman: So for men, the thing that they find sexy is confidence and they find sexy women that allow them to be men.
Danielle Dowling: Receptivity, sure.
Melanie Gorman: Cheers to men, guys.
All: Cheers to men. Yeah!
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