Below is another email correspondence between me and my sex life coaching client, Joyce, whose continuous sexual growth I've blogged on recently, wrote this to me on the reality of her married life with children and the impact that had on her sex life. Again, all clients I blog on have their names changed and give me express permission to do so. It doesn't get more honest and real-life than her account and I think many married women in her 40's bracket of life, and their partners, will resonate with it.
Joyce: This is a long story, most of which isn't really necessary to explain. One of your other clients probably put it best-when you raise kids together the relationship turns into a partnership, sometimes a relay race, just to keep up. The deep commitment, the shared responsibilities, the friendship; all are required to maintain a functioning family, which is it's own reward. I am not complaining. However, it is decidedly unsexy. The intimate connection can get so lost in the business and stress of family life. In addition, bodies change, wrinkles form and those damn babies leave stretch marks and sagging breasts. All unsexy. Communication patterns form as well, some steeped in resentment and just plain fatigue. My husband Ken and I, 20 years in, are at the point where so many marriages unravel due to all of this stuff. The opportunity to recharge our relationship, discover and learn new sexual skills is adding an element of excitement and connection we haven't ever had.
I have, in the past, struggled with my body image and with food. I can't say that I ever really struggled with my weight in any big way, just thought I did. One of the ways that I deleted that struggle was to change my internal message. Instead of trying not to eat all the time, I decided and consciously told myself that I could eat whatever I wanted. Instantly, I started making food choices based on what types of food my body wants, on whether or not I was really hungry, on what feels good to eat. Stay with me here... Ken and I have done the same thing with our relationship. If you can have whatever (whomever) you want, do what ever you want, then what is left is this: what do you want? I am delighted to say that Ken is what (who) I want. I could never have a lover more emotionally safe, more adventurous, more into me than Ken. I DO NOT want to worry about STDs or whether or not another lover will look at me critically, thinking geez this lady needs a boob job and a tummy tuck. Who needs it?
And guess what, Ken's cock is actually bigger than the silky dildo.
Amaranth: See how the big dick is much more attractive when it has sex skills and
good communication behind it? Do you see his penis differently now?
Joyce: The funniest question I have EVER been asked: "Do you see his penis differently now?"
Actually, yes. It has skills, they're multiplyin'. And presence... yeah....
Joyce's take on choosing her husband over everything else when she opens up her menu, edible and sexual, to include everything, at least theoretically, would not work for everyone. However, I do like showing examples of alternative ways of wrapping your head around issues like these. I also want to note Joyce's appreciation of her freedom from STD's by building a sex life via sex life coaching with her husband. Assuming infidelity is not unknowingly present in a given relationship, breathing a sigh of relief from STD threats is a very nice perk of monogamy. That's a big reason why conservative couples have called on my work, when they have, because they come to a place where they want the exciting sex, but not the risks or compromises to their beliefs involved. I teach them the sex skills they're interested in within the safety of their marriage bubble.