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Having A Baby Improved My Sex Life

Sex after baby: how one couple's sex life improved after giving birth.

Three weeks before the birth of my first daughter, when I was swollen, uncomfortable and horrified by my bloated body, distended fingers and inability to see my toes, my midwife suggested I have more sex.

I laughed.

"Seriously," she told me.  "If you want her to come sooner, try having more sex."

If only it were that easy. I have always been comfortable with sex. I learned early to please myself and took that with me into relationships, often acting the part of the "male" who just wanted to get off as opposed to the "female," looking for love and transcendence through sex.

Since discovering that sex had a function beyond fun and feeling good, my mojo had lessened considerably. Every time my husband came near me, I worried about the baby—would all that jostling hurt her? I worried about the way my body looked—could I really seem attractive to anyone? And most of all, I worried about discomfort. What positions might work for someone who could not lay on her stomach, back, side or pretty much in any position that did not involve three propped pillows? My husband had similar concerns but was more inclined to go for it. Watch: Sex During Pregnancy

In spite of my reservations, I took her advice, contorting my unfamiliar body into positions it was not meant to access, sitting on my husband's lap, the fear—"death by crushing"—humming in my ears. The sex was good, albeit bizarre, but awkward as they were, those encounters achieved the desired results.  We had an early birth. Our daughter emerged from my womb two weeks early, her birth a product of the same process that created her.

After she was out, we held her between us—our twosome suddenly interrupted by the arrival of a third. We admired the blending of our features: his forehead, my eyes, his lips, my nose. She was mine, his, ours—the personification of our union. 

In the early weeks, this connection did not translate to the bedroom. I wanted to hug him, hold him, stroke his hair. But I had no interest in engaging in an act that now seemed so fraught with consequences.

When we first married we were like children, discovering each other's bodies, chasing one another around the house, canceling plans so we could stay home in bed kissing, touching, learning to find the spots that would become like home, but at the time were foreign and unexplored. The miracles of modern birth control guaranteed consequence-free pleasure.

As we changed, so did sex. Immersed in graduate school, in our careers and in the business of marriage—the house buying, decorating, merging of finances and caring for our pets—we let our sex life drift into low tide, the passion slowly slipping back from the shore, revealing the rocks that had been hidden from view, ignored beneath the surf.

Can you relate?

Discussion

Airen Married polyamorous, committed, intimate, free
Can Relate - Posted August 25, 2009

After having my first child the pressure to conceive was gone and the sex was amazing! We had a rough ten years trying to get pregnant...or more like trying not to be too disappointed that we seemingly couldn't due to a bout of chicken pox my husband had at 16. The doctor's were sure the high fever had caused him to be nearly sterile...his "little guys" were very fragile and delicate. Turns out it was the fact that my body hadn't matured sexually until I was around 23. So for 2 years we worried and took my temperature and the sex got so mechanical. The month we gave up and just went back to our usual habits before all the stress I conceived and our sex stayed hot. Turns out my husband has a fetish for pregnant women, very nice considering the things we women tell ourselves about how unattractive we are during pregnancy.

After our daughter was born we didn't have the whole OMG too tired for sex thing...that came after the birth of our second child LOL! She was conceived 9 months after the birth of my first due to the Doc. being convinced that I probably would have an equally hard time getting pregnant the second time since my husband had such fragile sperm.

ONce the girls got to walking and sleeping through the night in their room oour sex life heated up again but I will admit we actually worked very hard to rekindle the flames. It helps that I am lucky to have a husband who is committed to me being at home, and yes I know how lucky I am! :)

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Posted August 23, 2009

I can relate to this, after having my son my sex life is off the wall. My body does things that it has not done before.

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noangel293 Taken falling in love.
Posted June 25, 2009

This is an amazing story... and I can only pray that after I give birth that my lover and I will have a better sex... right now, I feel exactly how you felt... so alienated from my own body... I feel like it's not even mine anymore.. it's taken over by this child who's growing inside of me... people think I'm crazy because I'm only 11 weeks pregnant... but so many changes have already occurred... but thanks for sharing your story :-)

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Kataroo Single Glass half full girl.
Posted May 6, 2009

I like to think that all things in a marriage or relationship improve after babies. Especially sex and love!

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Lolita Single It all feels good.
Posted May 6, 2009

I'm glad she had great sex before the baby, and even happier that she's having better sex after. All the mushy, emotional stuff in between, I could do without. I hope it stays the same after she has another baby!

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savannah Engaged We'll get there eventually.
Posted May 5, 2009

What a relief to find that the sex can and does get better the longer one stays married!

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Lyz Married Community Manager
Posted May 5, 2009

I am still kidless. But I am super concerned about the way my body will change afterward. It won't be my own anymore! But it's good to know that there is some hope.

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paoloteo Married with kids in middle
Posted May 5, 2009

Happened to us also after first child... but after the third one things are different

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nubiancoco Single
Posted May 4, 2009

HAVING A BABY IMPROVED MY SEX LIFE! NOT WITH MY HUSBAND!

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BookMama Married Happily Married
Posted May 4, 2009

It's great that your sex life improved, but this is very much not my experience or anyone I know. Most people I know were just so tired after having a baby that they craved sleep more than anything else. There are often huge strains on the connection between husband and wife as they adjust to the amount of work they need to do that make them mad at each other. The fatigue gets better as your kid gets older, but you still have the challenge of time and logistics. Kids old enough to know what's going on around them keep you from having the kind of privacy you need for spontaneous fun.

I think it's terrible that anyone would say "you're a freak" for having a better sex life after your baby, but I think it's important that other woman not feel guilty or inadequate if they have a terrible sex life for a while. It is possible to work on things and improve them, but it's very rare to have a better sex life because you love each other or your baby.

I find myself wondering if the author of this piece has a child who sleeps better than most.

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Lyz Married Community Manager
Posted May 4, 2009

What a beautiful story. It seems like having a child made you and your husband grow closer together as a couple and as a result, you're more intimate and so much more spiritually and physically one.Thank you for sharing!

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