How A Breast Reduction Changed My Love Life
Breast reduction surgery gives a writer a new outlook on love, but the results are not immediate.
Weeks before I turned 19, I checked into Massachusetts General Hospital terrified that nothing could fix the way I saw myself. Two days after undergoing surgery, I stood topless in my parents' bathroom watching as my mother slowly pulled squares of medical tape spotted with puss and dried blood from my chest. I waited in Percocet-induced suspense for my flat-chested doppelganger to miraculously appear in the full-length mirror. When they were finally uncovered I hardly recognized the small puffy breasts that fit perfectly inside the palms of my hands. There were lines of stitches in rows around my nipples and a mixture of yellow and purple tie-dyed bruises.
"Much better," my mother smiled at me.
"Really?" I asked.
"Yes," she responded confidently placing her delicate hands on my bare shoulders. "I forgot how tiny you are." Immediately after surgery, my mother saw me differently; everyone did, except for me. I had assumed that once I got rid of my breasts I'd instantly feel small and confident. But enduring surgery, permanent scarring and a 40 percent chance I'll not be able to breast feed, it turns out, were easy compared to the process of shaking off my old insecurities.
As a kid, my ballet teacher nicknamed me Olive Oil because I was tall and skinny with long dark hair like the cartoon. By 14, puberty had left me squeezing into 32DD bras. My instant curves disgusted me. "You are not fat; you’re Zaftik," my mother would say in Yiddish, as she inspected my 5'7" and 120-lb. frame. She meant I carried my weight well. Large busts were so common among Jewish women they'd created a word in the Old Country for exactly what I'd inherited.
I was perceived as a sensual Marilyn Monroe-type, but I felt completely unsexy. I was physically uncomfortable, weighed down by my top-heavy frame, and unable to find shirts that didn't draw attention to my unavoidable cleavage.
I sported high-necked collars hoping to distract people from noticing that my breasts were larger than my head. I layered sports bras and applied duct tape around my chest a la Christina Ricci’s character in Now and Then. Surrounded by flat-chested blonds at my New England boarding school, it was impossible for me to blend in. The constant attention and not-so-subtle jokes using my last name, Gerber, a popular brand of baby food, fueled my insecurity. I dreamed of wearing Lacoste sun dresses over 32B wireless cotton bras. I went on boob-shrinking, no-carb fasts during cross country season, but starvation didn't alter my breast size. Instead it left painful and visible stress fractures in my emaciated legs.
Discussion
Thanks for posting this information I am sure it has helped many women in your same shoes. Sometimes children with behavior problems have a lot of self-esteem issues.
Now that I am older I can accept myself much better. Not everyone is happy with what is to them large and embarrassing body parts. After all none of us live with her feelings. Yes some would wish they had bigger breasts. Bit each of us is different. what one wishes for another wishes they didn't.
I just wanted to let you know how much your story inspired me. I am almost 18 years old and will be going off to college in the fall. I am scheduled for my surgery on June 24. As I read your worries, I thought I was reading about myself. I want you to know how much hope you gave me to know that everything will be okay and I will one day be comfortable enough with myself to let someone else love me.
Don't fix what's not broken!
Despite the many positive comments here, I'll post the definite one at last.
As always, the power (of story) flows from the negative side, not from the
daydreamy conceptions of your fellow citizens.
If you've had problems with your back OR they we're getting
in the way of your every day life - I'd understand.
Mother nature has given you this gift of extraordinary sexual attraction,
but instead of maturing and integrating this speciality into your pre-sona-lity
[per= through, sona= sound, that's greek] U FAIL by deciding to be small and save,
and though remain childish.
I find it disgusting for a young health women to cut off her breasts,
it's a typical Jewish thing to not accept the cards god has dealt you.
And your mum applauds you "much better" - Jesus Christ -
this again proves your overly dependent on your parents.
Get yourself to south America to a proper Shaman and drink Ayahuasca,
to break through those patterns of infantility and maybe you'll understand,
what seems nonsense to you now.
PS
AND THEN B for CHRIST'S SAKE, why not D or at least C!
PPS
Addressing the other comments here: What`s so admirable about a "strong
determination" to remain childish? This was a surgical operation requiring a
general anaesthetic. One out of 10.000 never wakes up from those btw. ,
that's a 0,1% chance to loose your life.
PPPS
South America - do it.
your comment is very disappointing to me. so you dont agree with the author, but neither one of you is right you just have different opinions and life experiences. it does not mean you have to be hurtful.
Actually, it's a people thing to not like the cards you've been dealt. And most people don't. But most people tend to wallow in their misery and not change their situation.
I don't see how her taking charge of her problem and doing something about it is infantile. In fact, it sounds adult to me. Instead of living a miserable, uncomfortable life she did something about it. She changed. I wish more people would do that when they are miserable. Instead, all to often we just wallow in our misery and take it out on other people.
You say that her breasts were "extraordinary sexual attraction". But life is more than just sexual attraction.
Getting a breast reduction is no more dangerous than hopping in a car or a plane or jumping in the shower. In fact, all of those activities have higher rates of death. Are you going to stop doing those?
I wonder if this woman was actually a 32DD. i'm a bra fitter and a 32D...and 32DD isn't actually that big and rarely looks out of proportion. 32DDD and above I'd understand wanting a breast reduction, but this seems weird to me. So many women are a much bigger cup size that they think. I've fitted women (and girls!) who are a 32 I ... THAT'S a need for a reduction.
I agree, I'm confused as well. I am a 32DD. I am 5'1" tall, 108 lbs. This girl is six inches taller than me and only 10 lbs heavier. She sounds tall and thin, and chesty but not abnormally so -- she had a body many women would envy. Amazing that at 18 her parents got her into a dr the day after she mentioned it -- not good parenting. I think she had a distorted image of what her body was really like, and plastic surgery is never a good solution in those cases.
To Book Mama, I think you missed the point it is her own self-image that took her there not someone else’s.
Dear Alyson,
I cannot say I know how you felt or feel because I’m a man. What I can tell you is from years of experience in life. I’m now 53 and I can say with confidence boys and men look at breasts because we like them in any size and shape with all their glory. Despite myths we don't really judge women based on bra size, it’s only the most visible thing we can see. We marvel at the fact that there are so many different sizes and shapes. So, maybe you can understand a little about men, I was married to a woman with 44DD and I have also had a relationship with a couple of women that were "Barely-an-A." In either case it was never about how big or small their breasts were. It's a package deal you have to accept the whole package not just part of it. This is not to say that there aren't men and women that are superficial about body image and judge others that way. As for myself it was my height, I now stand 6'2", weight about 265lbs and haven't grown sense high school. However when I was in 4th grade I began to have growth spurts. First it was up to about 5'5" by 5th grade I was taller than all the kids in class and the school. By 6th grade I was 5'10" and the only people taller than me were a couple of teachers and the principle. I felt odd when other parents would see me they would ask, "Aren’t you a little old to be in grade school” I was only 12yo then. In 9th grade/freshman year of high school I was able to fit in a little because there were other students that were also tall, I wasn't alone; I was then 6'1" and stayed that way for another year. I played football in high school at 6'1" and 141 lbs, I was a total geek but I still played, because all I wanted to do was to fit in. At the end of high school I had grown my final inch to 6'2" and never grew again. Well except around the middle. I still struggle to fit in today, so my hats off to you to have the courage to find yourself and your way to fit in to our society in troubling times were in the media image is everything.
Bob
Oh, sweetie. You brought me to tears with this. Maybe because of how incredibly, poignantly opposite it is from my own situation. Really, being a flat-chested 32B blonde girl in a LaCoste sundress is not an idyll. It's HELL to be that and to know that any man who DEIGNS to be with such an androgynous freak will forever long to be with someone who has a chest like yours. I'm so glad that you finally found confindence and self-acceptance; I just find it an interesting paradox.
There are no prescriptive solutions and I don't think it's right to hype big boobs v. flat chest, one over the other. What it is about is confidence and feeling comfortable in your skin. I'm about the same size as the author and I can't IMAGINE if I was that big in the chest! Proportionally everything I wear is a S or M and my tiny B barely fits in some of those tops. Yay Alyson! I'm glad you feel comfortable in your own skin. I wish that for everyone.
I wish women could feel comfortable in their bodies without scars, painful surgery, and a 40% risk of not being able to breastfeed. For me, it wouldn't be worth it. It's too bad people made this woman feel so bad about being a woman when she was young. Meanwhile, small breasted women were probably hating their bodies and envying her for getting male attention.
Im a big believer in the 'less is more' mentality regarding many things. I love smaller, beautful shaped breasts as opposed to gargantuan, mishapen ones. Plus, over-sized breasts can become a health issue causing stress on the spine. Good for you, Alyson.
Body image and self-esteem are so intertwined in our culture, and I think it's important for everyone to do what they need to make themselves feel good about who they are. Luckily, while others may think I need to lose a few, I'm happy with every inch of me. But I couldn't imagine having to go through what she has, but I'm glad she has come out a stronger person.
