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Are you worried that you're losing your partner?
By Susie & Otto Collins — Written on Jan 03, 2020
Often in relationships, people struggle with insecurities that stem from worries, suspicions, and the nagging fear that their partner is either about to have (or already is having) an affair.
There are times when it turns out jealousy was clouding the person's view and the threat to the relationship was imagined, because of betrayals from past partners or other reasons.
Sometimes, however, suspicions are rooted in the undeniable facts of what's happening now.
It could very well be that your worries about someone else trying to "steal" your partner are a clear call for you to take action to protect your relationship!
It's important to be able to learn the difference so you can start learning how to stop being insecure and save your relationship before insecurities tear it apart.
Here are 5 steps you need to take when insecurity is making you feel threatened in your relationship:
1. Challenge your insecurity by getting facts you can verify and rely upon.
The first step when you feel suspicious is to pause and notice what's going on within yourself. Try to regain your calm and get curious.
It's understandable if you feel upset and maybe even angry, but the important thing is to act in ways that will help you in the long run — instead of making your pain worse!
Getting facts about what's actually going on in your relationship can be as simple as sitting down and asking yourself a few questions (and making sure your answers are verifiable and reliable) like:
- "What have I noticed that makes me think my relationship is threatened?"
- "How has my partner been acting lately (compared to how they normally act)?"
- "Are my feelings coming mostly from a situation happening now or mostly from something that happened in the past?"
Keep returning to your fact-based answers to questions like these.
2. Don't confront the person fueling your insecurities.
If you discover that your suspicions are not jealousy-driven, but are indeed due to the actions of someone else, your impulse may be to deal directly with the one trying to steal away your partner. Tempting as this is, it is a big mistake!
Duking it out with your partner's pursuer may sound romantic in some way, but it's not!
When you side-step an awkward conversation with your partner by confronting the other person, you are not helping your relationship and you may even risk your safety and well-being. The other person could deny it, minimize the situation, or claim you're misunderstanding everything or they could dig in and go after your partner even more aggressively as a result.
Unless you have evidence that an actual affair is going on, it's best to bring the facts you have to an honest and open conversation with just you and your partner.
3. Create clear agreements with your partner.
Making assumptions is a common relationship mistake. These might be assumptions about whether or not you and your partner are dating exclusively, what you each consider "flirting" and "cheating" to look like, and what's appropriate (and what's not) interaction with others.
When you create clear agreements with your partner, it's easier to avoid making dangerous assumptions.
Do let your partner know your concerns in a way that is fact-driven (instead of blameful) and ask them to help you come up with trust-building agreements that you both can follow and agree to.
Phrase an agreement in the affirmative and be as specific and timely as is necessary.
If another person posts "You're so sexy" on your partner's Facebook page and you and your partner agree that is not OK, come up with an agreement that your partner will request the other person to stop (which may include blocking or unfriending that person if initial requests are not followed).
4. Don't get passive-aggressive or retaliate.
When any person perceives a threat to something that's important to them, the tendency is to react. Usually, reactions include lashing out in some way that may involve passive-aggressive comments (like "accidentally" dropping your partner's phone in the toilet) or more overt retaliation.
Always, always, and especially when someone seems to be trying to come between you and your partner, think things through BEFORE you do anything.
Whatever you have the urge to say or do, make a conscious choice. Be absolutely certain that you can be okay with the potential consequences.
5. Stay focused on yourself and your next best step.
Ultimately, you need to be deliberate and thoughtful about whatever you choose to do. If you have the facts to support that someone truly is trying to "steal" your partner, be clear and firm.
Create agreements with your partner that will put a stop to the situation. If your partner is unwilling to cooperate or doesn't see this as a big deal, re-assess the facts and set needed boundaries.
If you have proof that your partner is cheating, then your next best step decisions are different. This is a time for you to choose whether to stay with your partner and try to repair trust or whether it would be healthier for you to leave the relationship.
And if it becomes clear that the person you were worried about is actually not the threat you believed, re-focus on your habitual thoughts. Question them and keep reminding yourself of what's true.
Take the time to heal emotional wounds from your past that may be contributing to jealousy, tension, and conflict. It's also possible that there are holes in trust and intimacy between you and your partner.
More for You:
Susie and Otto Collins are certified transformative relationship coaches who have helped people stop jealousy and insecurity for almost 20 years. Get their free ebook about what you need to know to overcome jealousy.