When couples come in to see me for counseling, I ask many of the following questions: How often are you having sex, if at all? What values do you share? How long have you been struggling? However, one of the most important questions I ask is, How often do you kiss? The answer to this question gives me a lot of information about a couple's connection.
A romantic relationship involves sexual intimacy. A friendship does not. If you are married to someone and you have no sexual intimacy, you are in a friendship not a romantic relationship. You will need to decide if you want to change that.
A simple kiss is a powerful thing. When I talk about sexual intimacy, I'm not just talking about intercourse. Kisses are very intimate, especially kisses on the mouth. Remember Vivian's rule in Pretty Woman? She'd do just about anything, but no kissing on the mouth. Why? Kissing on the mouth was just too intimate.
It's also crucial to make it a "good kiss." No matter how busy your life is, the time it takes to be in the moment with a kiss for your partner will not derail your schedule.
Keep in mind that hugs are great, too. I strongly encourage any couple who is having a hard time with their physical connection to incorporate hugs into their routine. Just understand that a kiss is more powerful and necessary to the viability of any romantic relationship
One of the greatest things you can do to keep that intimacy alive is to kiss on a regular basis. I'm talking about kissing on the lips, not just a peck on the cheek or the forehead. You can save your pecks for your Aunt Ethel. Kiss when you say goodbye in the morning, when you come home at night, when you go to bed, when you're leaving on a trip and when you come home.
Surprise each other with kisses on the fly. Even give a sleeping spouse a kiss when you leave or come home at odd hours. Every time you kiss, you will be showing the other person how special he or she is to you. Kissing will also help reaffirm your attachment to them.
Too often, people tell me that they feel like they're just friends with their spouse. They say that there is no longer any touch in their relationship. They talk about being really great roommates. When a relationship has gotten to this stage, couples often try to get back into the routine of having sex. Starting with hand-holding, hugs and kisses is the more gentle way to reintroduce that intimacy.
Both partners need to feel comfortable with this level of intimacy before they can reintroduce sex into their relationship. Once a couple becomes comfortable with kissing, they may even find that more intimate steps just follow along naturally.
If you find your relationship faltering or turning into a roommate situation, refocus it with a kiss. Once you both commit to prioritizing yourselves in this way, things will begin to shift and you will find that old intimacy rising once again.