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A lack of kissing in a relationship is not a good sign.
By Kate Evans — Written on Jul 02, 2021
A lack of kissing in a relationship is not a good sign.
When couples come in to see me for counseling, I ask some of the following questions: What values do you share? How long have you been struggling?
However, one of the most important questions I ask is this: How often do you kiss?
The answer to this question gives me a lot of information about a couple's connection.
When there's a lack of kissing in a relationship, intimacy can fade fast.
Is it normal to not kiss in a relationship?
A romantic relationship involves sexual intimacy — a friendship does not.
If you are married to someone and you have no sexual intimacy, you are in a friendship, not a romantic relationship, and that is something you will need to decide if you want to change. And a simple relationship kiss is a powerful thing.
When I talk about sexual intimacy, I'm not just talking about intercourse. Kisses are very intimate, especially kisses on the mouth.
Remember Vivian's rule in Pretty Woman? She'd do just about anything, but no kissing on the mouth. Kissing on the mouth was just too intimate.
How important is kissing in a relationship?
Kissing is essential to every relationship.
No matter how busy your life is, the time it takes to be in the moment for a kiss with your partner will not derail your schedule. And it's crucial to keep the spark alive or, as I will detail below, getting the spark back.
Keep in mind that hugs are great, too. I strongly encourage any couple who is having a hard time with their physical connection to incorporate hugs into their routine.
Just understand that a kiss is more powerful and therefore more necessary to the viability of any romantic relationship.
One of the greatest things you can do to keep intimacy alive in any relationship is to kiss each other on a regular basis. I'm talking about kissing on the lips — not just a peck on the cheek or the forehead. Save those pecks for your Aunt Ethel.
What does it mean when your partner stops kissing you?
Relationship satisfaction comes in the form of physical touch — holding hands, physical contact, and mouth-to-mouth kissing.
You should feel comfortable kissing your partner. But if your partner doesn’t like to express affection or make eye contact with you, it could be a sign they don’t feel good about your relationship romantically or they don't feel emotionally close to you.
If you stop kissing each other, it doesn’t mean don’t like kissing each other. A lack of kissing could mean that there’s a problem in your relationship. Sometimes people don't accept intimacy when they don’t feel loved.
Is it normal to not like kissing?
There are some people who don't like kissing in general, sure. But there's a difference between not liking kissing and not liking to kiss your partner.
If you feel like your partner doesn't like to kiss you, you should communicate. Try to see where they're coming from, and don't accuse them.
Simply make an observation about how your intimacy has changed. Tell them how it makes you feel, but make sure you hear and listen to their point of view.
The last thing you want to do is accuse them of being a bad partner.
How can I make more of an effort to kiss my partner more?
Kiss each other when you say goodbye in the morning, when you come home at night, when you go to bed, when you're leaving on a trip, and when you come home.
Surprise each other with kisses on the fly.
Even give a sleeping spouse a kiss when you leave or come home at odd hours.
Every time you kiss, you show the other person how special he or she is to you. Kissing will also help reaffirm your attachment to them.
How the lack of kissing in a relationship affects both of you long-term:
Too often, people tell me that they feel like they're just friends with their spouse.
They say that there is no longer any touching and a lack of kissing in a relationship. They talk about being really great roommates.
When a relationship has gotten to this stage, couples often try to get back into the routine of having sex. This is a good idea, but you shouldn't necessarily just jump right into the sack.
Starting with hand-holding, hugs and kisses is a more gentle way to reintroduce yourselves to that kind of romantic intimacy, as both partners need to feel comfortable with this level of intimacy before they can reintroduce sex into their relationship.
Once a couple becomes comfortable with kissing, they often find that more intimate steps simply follow along naturally.
If you find your relationship faltering or turning into a roommate situation, refocus it with a kiss.
Once you both commit to prioritizing yourselves in this way, things will begin to shift — and you will find that old intimacy rising once again.
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Kate Evans specializes in women's support, providing individual, group, and couples therapy for teens and adults. She also specializes in Sex Therapy, helping individuals and couples rediscover intimacy and overcome obstacles in this delicate area of life.