Farrah's article includes 6 reasons she slept with your man:
She has no morals
She's just that dumb
This list had over 18,200 Facebook shares. I'm assuming those who shared are the ones who have been betrayed in their relationships and want proof of the other woman's lack of worth and to demonize her. I was shocked to see a list of such amateurish quality as it had no depth to explain our human nature. Nor did it place responsibility on the male partner, with the exception of one sentence indicating his role. "The bottom line, though, is that your man cheated, and no matter what a piece of garbage the other woman is or what a moron she is, you still have to deal with the fact that you have a cheater on your hands."
Fortunately, I came across another article, "Why Women Cheat: A Married Man Goes Undercover On Ashley Madison" by Charles J. Orlando. As noted, Charles goes undercover on the "we're married, but let's have an affair" website known as Ashley Madison to discover what women are really seeking in the online affair game. His findings will parallel many of the points I will explain to better understand why the other woman slept with your man.
1.Women Want And Need Attention, Appreciation And Passion
When there is a longer than tolerable lapse of these needs in their current relationship or in their life in general, they will seek out ways to fill the gaps. At times, these efforts will be obvious, such as creating an Ashley Madison profile, or it may be a sudden opportunity taken without much forethought.
"Before meeting David, I felt dead. But suddenly, I was alive, desired, and filled with passion and vitality… Overnight I went from years of celibacy to being naked on the floor of his office in the middle of the afternoon, constantly emailing and sexting, and having late-night dirty chats on Facebook. Consumed with thoughts of him, when we weren't together I was either lost in memories, reliving every detail of every second with him, or longing for him, trying to figure out the next time we could see each other."
She felt alive again, and that's a main component in the way we choose to have an affair. The thrill is too hard to avoid.
She goes further to explain, "This feels so good I don't want to walk away. I just want to follow this feeling wherever it goes. I have such an overactive conscience I couldn't even take a paperclip from work without being swamped with guilt, but for some reason entering into an affair with a married man didn't faze me."
As humans, we all have an erotic energy. The level of intensity of this energy varies just like our temperaments, both of which are innate aspects of who we are. When our erotic energy is out of sync, we will work to meet these needs even if doing so includes questionable choices with the potential for negative consequences.
You may still ask — why did she choose my man?
2.Your Man Showed His Willingness To Step Out Of His Relationship
Men have many of the same needs as women for attention, appreciation and passion. In addition to these needs, he wants to feel like a man — capable, sexy, wanted and valued.
If the other woman shows him that he is indeed capable, sexy, wanted and valued, then the chance of crossing relationship boundaries increases. The combination of unmet needs with available opportunities can lead to an affair. Your man is the number one reason why the other woman slept with him.
The other women is actually not the issue because if it wasn't her, it likely would have been someone else. Stop blaming and demonizing her, and look at what you and your partner can do to repair the relationship.
3.Choosing A Married Man Can Be Safer Than Having A Real Relationship
Married men can bring to the table attention, passion, time, experience, and create a bubble of erotic and emotional pleasure without the daily grind of household management, child raising and checkbook balancing.
Some women who have been in bad relationships don't want a commitment. The woman gets the appreciation and attention they crave while knowing the man could leave at a tip of a hat. Many women are not looking to 'steal' your man. They are looking for a thrill, for connection, for pleasure, and if he can give it to her, she'll take it. The chance your man will leave you for her is slim, and it is even slimmer still for that relationship to last.
Some women prefer to compartmentalize their real life from their erotic life; having an affair with a married men makes this compartmentalization easy. They don't want the daily drama, and they want their space. Most women enter affairs with married men believing it will be temporary, not attached and emotionally safe. Yet the biggest challenges are the emotions and attachment. An affair is such a deeply emotional thing even when unintended. What is a human but a bipedal ball of emotion?
Despite the desires to keep the relationship on a sexual level, emotions interfere and can cause fantasies of creating a true couple relationship. The other woman and your man have to work out the boundaries of the affair.
Remember, if he chooses the other woman over you, it was his choice to leave, not the mistress'.
4.They Are Looking For The Thrill
Dr. Valerie Golden reports in her Psychology Today article, "Why Women Want Married Men," that sneaking around has its thrills. The sex itself may be more lusty because it's clandestine. Having sex in the married couple's bed, for example, becomes a daring thrill full of lust and passion in a way not possible otherwise. The need to be secretive, sneak around undiscovered and grab quick sexual encounters on the fly can be a huge turn-on in comparison to a dinner date with a single man who calls on Wednesday night for Friday. Especially for rule-breakers, it's just more fun being naughty and bawdy.
Some of the best sex you may have is one that includes arousal and anxiety. Since both of these experiences run down the same spinal nerve, it intensifies the feelings. Having sex with your man elicits both neurological responses.
We often want sex with people who we would never marry. Marriage material and erotic actions can at times be antithetical. Affair sex can be hot, very hot, even when we love our spouses at home. An affair can frequently be full of fun, weekend excursions, sexting, gifts, concerts, secret rendezvous and more. The thrill is intoxicating to the point where even those with strong morals or values have trouble denying their carnal desires.
5. She Does It Just Because She Can
Yes, there is a difference between the "just because you can doesn't mean you should" line of thinking and the "just go for it" attitude. We make decisions everyday, some of them have little risk of consequences while others are hefty in the potential for negative effects. We can make any decision we want — I can smoke a cigarette in a restaurant, but I’m likely to have the consequence of being kicked out.
Affairs tend to have a high price-tag. However, both men and women use rationalizations that place the reward of the affair as higher than the negative consequences, as well as standing by the "what they don't know doesn’t hurt them" adage.
Yes, sleeping with your man is selfish, but your man sleeping with her — also selfish.
The language 'My Man' in our language and in this blog post has the connotation of ownership. We do not own people. Your Man' is actually a man that has chosen you as his partner. We cannot change or control others. Even when we want to put our claws in, claim him and reaffirm his role in our life, it doesn’t mean he's yours. He is only himself.
She slept with him because she could, and it was the same with him. It is not uncommon for our values and behavior to misalign at times. This does not mean the other woman is without values, morals, intelligence and worth as Farrah Gray would have you believe. It means that balancing values and behavior can be difficult. Our Western society reaffirms life-long monogamy with our partner, and despite having the values and morals to support it, our biological nature can put a sledge hammer on our best intentions.
As Charles J. Orlando hypothesizes, women who were looking for an extra-marital affair with married men were looking to connect in some way and to fulfill their unmet needs in the current relationship. In his adventures, he found that women had the strong need for connection, attention and just pure sex.
Ultimately, she slept with your man not because of her lack of worth or values, but because:
"From my mom and dad, because they're happily married for a long time: Just listen. Listen to him. I'm so independent and driven and stubborn. Just let him talk. It's about not being so stubborn and having to win every argument. My parents set a great example. They love each other and take care of each other so much."
"It's kind of cheesy, but my mama, who you all have seen on the show, says to cook for your man. She's Southern, so when he comes home, be pullin' a pie out of the oven. That's always been her advice, and you know what? It works. Your man wants to see you in the kitchen, puttin' some love into some food; it works for Eric, that's for sure."
"The best advice I've ever been given is being handed a Bible. That's the blueprint for marriage that we go by, and that's what our marriage is grounded in. We also have other married couples who are examples in our lives. My parents have been married over 40 years, and both sets of grandparents for over 65 years. When you see couples in long-term relationships and you see them go through good times and bad times, you realize it's about being committed enough and loving your partner enough to hang in there regardless."
"My mom told me, "It shouldn't be that difficult." My parents had their moments for sure, but the majority of their relationship has been really great. It shouldn't be that much work to make love work."
"You've got to be good to each other … it really comes back to respect. I was raised in a very Catholic, Italian family and it was all about respect. Don't talk badly about [your partner] the second they walk out the door; really preserve your relationship and be good to each other. Treat it like gold."
"Don't lie to your partner. Ultimately the expression on your face gives you away, and they feel betrayed by the lie. If this is the person you're going to be with—forever and ever, for better or worse—they will love you for all of your good and all of your bad. They'll love you for you. So open communication is key. I have no secrets and no skeletons in my closet with my husband, and I love that. I feel comfortable and at ease with myself when I'm around him. I love the woman that I've become with him."
"I think the best love advice I've ever received is really about understanding that communication is key, of course, but also that there's not one perfect person for you. You kind of have to accept what are the things that are negotiable for you and what are not."
"My mom always told me, "Whatever happens, will happen" or 'Whatever is supposed to happen, will happen." I've learned you'll know when you find the right person. When I found the right person, I knew it immediately."
18. The Five Love Languages Author Dr. Gary Chapman
"Before I discovered the concept of the 5 love languages, a bit of advice I was given was to become a student of my wife and to take time to learn what makes her feel loved. I soon learned that what makes her feel loved may not always be the thing I want to do because it may not come natural to me. But learning to love her in the way that makes her feel loved is a greater demonstration of my love for her, because I've chosen to do it with a goal of pleasing her."
"Pay attention to the girl, instead of myself. A bunch of people [told me that]. It's terrible. I'm very into myself, so people are always like, "Pay attention to the other person. Don't ever separate yourself." It's a good lesson. I'm learning. I'm doing good."
"Don't get divorced after your first argument! I have a lot of friends that have one fight and that's it, they get divorced. I go, 'Wait a minute! Oh my gosh, you guys! Calm down! You'll forget in three days what you were fighting about. I promise. So just let it marinate a little bit—that's my best love advice."
21. The Real Housewives of Miami's Adriana de Moura
"When I was about 15, [my grandmother] said something I will always remember: 'Love comes before money.' I will never let anything like greed come between us when it comes to love. She was married to my grandfather for 70 years. It's very hard to have a long-term relationship and if you're not sure, it's not going to last. Make sure that you truly love."
"If you're looking for love, focus on something you love to do and work hard. Love will find you. Basically, love yourself before you love anyone else. A lot of girls have such insecurities nowadays that you have to be comfortable with who you are before you can really have a good relationship with someone else."
"Love advice is like life advice, so there are so many elements of that. I think humor, patience, admiration are really important love elements. Love and respect. You have to respect the person that you're going to love, and you have to be confident in yourself and love yourself."
'Think about how much you'd miss that if he were gone tomorrow.' This is my senior producer's advice in my ear during our news show if I'm grumbling about my hubby, whether about his habit of leaving dirty clothes around, or the way he goes into la la land while I'm talking with him, or that he wakes me up being loud overnight. How true! Heaven forbid, but if something ever happens to our loved ones, oh how we'd long for them to be back, and their little aggravating habits would be something cherished.
"On the other hand the best love advice I've ever given is: Gals, don't marry someone for their looks. Sooner or later we all age and start to droop. Don't marry someone for their position and don't marry someone for money. Money comes and goes, and since when is that love? Marry someone because they make you laugh. Humor is always sexy. Besides, it's awfully hard to get mad at someone while they're making you laugh."
30. The Real Housewives of New York's Heather Thomson
"Well, it's one of the oldest. It really is paradoxical, but it's true: You just can't go to bed mad. You have to make up, because there's only one alternative, and that alternative is not being together. So, my husband and I always decide we might as well make up, whether we agree to disagree or not. We understand we are individuals and that together we're unbelievably powerful and that we have a family that is the most important thing, and that I wouldn't trade him for the world. So, love is about give and take, and love is about understanding that you're individuals and together as a couple, you're the strongest there ever is ifyou're in the right couple."
"I was going to say, 'It's work, relationships take work,' but that makes it sound like relationships are hard, that they're work. Rebecca and I have always gotten along really well. We've always had a really strong connection. I'm the last guy that should be giving people advice on love, that's for sure. But I have a great marriage. I just got lucky, I guess."
"I lost my dad back in the fall, and my dad said something to me a long time ago. He said, 'Are you happy with who you are now?' because we just had a real serious talk. And I said, 'Yeah.' He said, 'Then you can't regret what got you to where you are. So whatever you do and whatever mistakes you make, learn from them and grow. And just always treat people with kindness,' which I've tried to do."
"My mom always used to say, "You can't say I love you before you can say I." And I think that sort of makes sense."
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