I tried as hard as I could, but I could never manage it. Did I do the right thing?
Parenthood begun when I was almost 20 years old and the doctor put my first baby in my arms. I was attending college, working full-time and within six weeks I was right back at the office. I had no time to stop and enjoy the aftermath of my pregnancy aka this little bundle of joy. By the time he was five months old, I couldn’t do it anymore. Each time I left him, in the care of my mother mind you, I felt a big stab in my heart like I was betraying some sacred covenant. Therefore, against my husband’s wishes, I decided to change my career goals for the time being and make arrangements to stay home with him at least for a couple of years. I gave it another shot when he was about two and a half years old, but it didn’t work out. He lost a lot of weight and was visibly unhappy. The joy in his spirit had left him somehow. Before I knew it he was four years old and then I felt we were both ready. So I geared myself up, returned to school to finish my Bachelors and got a great job. Within a couple of years we bought a home, a nice car and our son had everything. However, he didn’t have a sibling. We put off the thought of a sibling while our careers took off, but when he was about seven years old we knew we wanted to give him that gift and I knew I wanted to lower the testosterone level at home. So when he was eight years old, our daughter was born. Having two children, I realized that what I provided for one I felt compelled to provide for the other. Therefore, that meant I had the urge to stay home again. Once more, I convinced their dad I had to be there for her too. The original three years I planned to stay at home turned into six years because, I was no longer able to find fulltime employment in my field and daycare became an issue. Now I had to look at what the ROI was in paying daycare vs. income. All of a sudden, with my ten and a seven year old children, I found myself a single/divorced mom. I was forced to work fulltime and although I enjoyed it very much, I run myself ragged. I burned the candle at both ends and my work suffered. My career stagnated for a while. Eventually things picked-up. I got a great job travelling internationally and my parents helped with the kids. Once more my career took off. Fast forward four years later and I met the man of my dreams, but he came with his own luggage. Also, I found myself then caring for a four year old and a six year old, and with his income being twice what I made it was clear whose job came first. I couldn’t keep up an international job, these babies needed a mommy! Now it has been 14 years since I remarried. I have two very well adjusted older children and three beautiful grandkids. My step children are all adults, except for the youngest who goes off to college next autumn and they are doing pretty well too. Occasionally, I am also called upon to watch my grandchildren, which I treasure greatly. A few years ago I went back to school to get my Masters in Holistic Counseling and now I work part-time doing writing, and coaching. If I had to work fulltime in corporate America, I could no longer adjust. I am first and foremost a homemaker and mother. Now, as I look back on my life knowing I was never able to build a stable career or really succeed at any one job so, I question myself and wonder if I did the right thing? I love my children, they are my life’s joy. I enjoy my writing and just published my first book. And I love my little part-time job where I practice helping others live their dreams. So did I do the right thing? Today, at least, I think so.