He wooed and pursued you, and now he's drifting away. But it's not your fault and it's not too late!
Do you feel completely turned upside down, perplexed as to how the relationship you’re in went south? Was he once all about you, telling you that he could see himself with you forever, that you were everything he was always looking for in a woman, and now, he’s avoiding you? When he disappears or pulls back, treating you like the thing that ate his life — isolating himself, acting grumpy and cold — I know exactly how awful and baffled it can feel. I’ve experienced the exact same thing more than once in my life. If you want to stop stressing out over him and the relationship; if you want to stop feeling powerless to this man who you once probably didn’t even like all that much, you need to change your vibe and take back your power.
Yes, The Feeling Of Being Bonded To A Man Is A Powerful Force
First, let me say that I know how deep your feelings go right now. I know how connected you feel to him and how much you have come to rely on him as a safe and nurturing place where you can explore your worth as a woman. After all, he presented himself to be a safe harbor for you. He made himself available to you from the get-go, so that you felt appreciated and adored in a way that you may never have before.
It felt like he was some king who had come in on his gallant steed to save you from life. That kind of link is very hard to break — it almost feels like you let him in so deeply, you no longer know where you end and he begins. He has become a real part of you, and now, you are panicking about the fact that you might (literally) lose yourself when he disappears completely.
When He Disappears, You Can Still Take Your Power Back & Change The Relationship
Though this bond is a very intense force, pulling you to him and making you feel desperate and crazy to get him back, you really are stronger than this force, and you really can take your life back. You can also turn the whole relationship around so that the dynamic shifts, and you become the one calling the shots and feeling grounded and powerful, like you did in the beginning.
Taking Your Life Back…
I’m going to be very honest right now as I talk to you about this relationship. I’m going to be very candid about why you’re stuck so deep in the trenches. If you think back on it now, really think, you might see how this man fell in love with a fantasy of who you were and not with you. I say that because he didn’t really know you all that well when he was professing his love and making bold statements, such as “You’re the woman I always wanted!” He probably said those things on the third, fourth, fifth date, right?
It was as if you had the right pieces that made you a good fit for his idea of the perfect woman (pretty, smart, fun, charming), but he hadn’t seen all of your pieces yet to really know the woman you are... the things about you that make you beautifully imperfect… the things that would make an emotionally available man want to take care of you and bond further with you.
I’m not saying you aren’t good enough for this man. The truth is that no woman is good enough for a guy who comes on too strong in the beginning. That guy isn’t interested in dating a real human — he’s interested in keeping his fantasy woman alive in his head. As long as he can say that a woman isn’t fitting the mold, he can stay unavailable and not have to experience intimacy. (I’m not saying that your man is without-a-doubt emotionally unavailable. The point is that the relationship has shifted, and you are now suffering, when you once felt empowered by him.)
Why You Bought His “Act”
It's easy to want to believe a man’s professions of love and desire. What woman doesn’t want that kind of attention? However, there’s still a deeper reason for why you were so easily persuaded — you were hungry, starved and ravished for emotional connection and a better sense of self. Think back to where you were at in your life when you met this man. You probably fell for his act because you were in a vulnerable place that made you susceptible.
Perhaps you had just gotten out of a painful break-up, or maybe you’d been single for years, feeling like men don’t find you attractive. Maybe a parent had recently died, or you felt lost in your professional life. Something was going on that assisted in your need to believe his smooth lines. When you don’t feel good about your life and you don’t know how to get back to feeling better, you need so badly for a man to tell you the words that will give you life-force. This sets you up to fall for emotionally unavailable guys who come on strong and then, vanish, and it sets you up to splatter into a well of deep heartache and panic when he disappears.
Let’s Start Building You Up!
Most women have a weaker sense of self — it’s part of our biology. We're designed this way to help us connect with our mates and our children so that we can procreate and stick around to raise our kids. We tend to get our sense of self from the man in our lives (I’m not talking about who women are as professionals — I’m talking about who we are in our personal lives.) But genetics don’t have to keep us stuck in the well when he disappears. In fact, it’s been proven that we can rewire our brains so that we can have different attachment styles so that we can feel secure with or without a man. It’s called neuroplasticity.
Be His Queen Bee!
The best way to rewire your brain so that you can feel powerful no matter what a man does or says, is to make a shift in how you relate with men. It's time to stop working to be near him and start letting him come closer to you. A profound change has occurred in your relationship — you were once being pursued and showered with attention, and now, you are the one doing the work. You went from being the center to being the idolizer; you went from being the sun (which doesn’t move) to being the earth (circling around him). In order for you to take back your power, you need to get back to being the sun.
The sun stands in one place, blazing with light, which nourishes the earth. The sun is the focal point and the heart of the solar system; it’s called a “solar” system because the sun is the core of everything. You have to start thinking of yourself as the core of your relationship. You have to start thinking that you are the focal point — the one who’s light nourishes the relationship.
To do this, you first have to stop acting like the earth — you have to stop “moving.” You have to fight your need to go toward him — call him, text him, invite him places, start conversations about the relationship, ask him what’s wrong all the time — all the behavior that signifies that you are trying to be closer to him physically and emotionally. When you “move” in the relationship, you lose your power. You become the worker bee — slaving for the relationship. You are no longer the queen bee; he becomes the queen bee.
He becomes the one who sits back, chillin', doing minimal effort to keep the relationship intact. But he doesn't want to be the queen bee. As a woman, you feel good in a relationship when you're being given to, but men feel good when they provide to women they love. When he's the center of the relationship, it makes him bored. It makes him feel worthless as a man. He starts to blame you — lowing your pricetag and thinking of you as too desperate or too easy.
How To Inspire Him To Work For Your Love
Right now, you carry the masculine energy, and he has the feminine energy. This dynamic leaves you both dissatisfied. To get back to being the feminine energy and him back in his masculine energy, you have to stop moving and start receiving! Do you appreciate male attention? Do you relish in it? Do the words “thank you” and “you’re welcome” roll off your tongue without thought? A goddess is a master at receiving a man’s attention and affection — she knows how to allow a man to touch her; she feels comfortable with letting a man buy her expensive gifts and shower her with acts of thoughtfulness. She 'melts' into a man’s advances like candle wax — her body is fluid, and her face is tension-free.
Goddess energy is welcoming and inviting; it makes him feel like you’re at home with him and that you can be yourself with him. A goddess knows, in her bones, that she deserves the things she receives from a man and she easily expresses her gratitude and appreciation for his gifts. I want you to start being available to receive. Try this — take a deep breath, and look around you. What do you see? A table? A countertop? A tree? A computer screen?
I want you to look at all the things around you, breathe deep, and allow yourself to be grateful for their presence in your life. Say, aloud: “Thank you, countertop, for always being there for me to cook food upon you”; “Thank you, computer, for giving me a window into the world outside these doors.” Speak from a place of centeredness — where you are the sun and these objects are revolving around you.
You may feel really silly doing this exercise, but you’ll also feel more grounded. You’ll feel more like a queen. Every one of your subjects (the computer, the countertop, etc.) is honoring you with their presence and their services, and you are extending your gratitude. A queen knows the importance of saying “thank you” to her loyal subjects. It’s not about entitlement; it’s not about vanity. It’s about honoring people, places and things around you by seeing them and acknowledging the positive effects they’ve had on your life.
Let Your Soul Keep You Grounded Whe He Disappears
To stop yourself from “moving,” you have to face your fears of rejection and abandonment. You have to cut the tie that binds you to your man in the unhealthy way — in the way that keeps you reliant on him for self worth and stuck down the well when you don’t get it.
In my previous articles, I've discussed the tree-energy exercise, where you grab nourishment from the earth to self-soothe and feel emotionally "fed." It's my favorite way to feel grounded and cut the unhealthy tie to him. You can also grab nourishment from what I call "soul wants." When you feel a need to reach for him in any way — call him, talk with him about his attitude — I want you to instead take a deep breath, slow down your thinking and go inward. Ask yourself this question:
“What does my soul really desire right now?”
It could be a walk in the park. It could be a call to an old friend to catch up and laugh. It could be a hot bubble bath with rose petals floating on the foamy surface. It can be anything that takes you away from the problem — that cuts the tie. Therefore, it can’t be about him. If the answer to your question becomes “To call him!!” that’s not your soul speaking to you; that’s your fear. Keep breathing and get in tune with your soul’s voice.
"Soul wants" really help because they keep you still when you break away from yourself for a moment. When the urge to be near him comes on, a fear is provoked so deep in you, and you break away from your spirit. You break away from your connection to the ground, to your soul and to your center. You are then more susceptible to your impulses. When you seek out a "soul want," you bring yourself back to your core self.
As The Shift Happens…
Once you stop moving in your relationship, and you begin receiving instead, your man will either come closer to you or break away from you. This is not in your control to fix. Some men are to used to being the feminine energy; they don’t know how to stand up, be a man and provide. Men can suffer from self-esteem issues, too. Just like how some women can’t receive because they don’t feel deserving, some men can’t give because they don’t feel capable. (This is not is your power to fix). Some men are also not comfortable with the vulnerability required for intimacy, and they continue to pull back over and over as the relationship heats up.
Some men, though, will respond very well to this shift. A good man, the man you should want to be with, will come closer. Your new vibe will give him the room to come toward you and be the masculine presence in the relationship. It will make him work hard to make you happy and feel your appreciation. He will feel very safe around you because you are grounded and sure of yourself.
Whatever happens with the man, though, you should try living this way in your relationships. It will help you heal the part of you that feels so lost without a man’s love and protect you from a man’s erratic behavior. It will keep you out of the well and help you remain grounded when he disappears.
As you change your “atmosphere,” you will hit li’l roadblocks. You’ll have moments where you give in to the impulses and struggle with appreciation and feeling deserving of attention. It’s all okay! It’s all part of the process. Neuroplasticity takes work. It takes being invested. Changing your vibe and becoming the “sun” is a slow progression. Sign up for my Goddess Love Advice Newsletter, and let me help you stay focused and motivated along your journey to a happier relationship. My emails will give you valuable tips, exercises and insight into men. They will take you through every painful step when he disappears so that a man never does this to you again!