If you follow me online, you know that I have a messy past with men. I was married, divorced, a friend with benefits, a doormat, a first date more times than I’d like to count, and the victim of a man who needed a lot of space all the time. Basically, I spent too many years meeting the wrong men, acting the wrong ways and feeling the wrong things about myself. I knew absolutely nothing about Empowered Dating.
However, the weird part was that I wasn’t a weak and stupid woman. I was a smart woman. I was also a pretty, funny, fun and nice woman. I had lots of friends, a good job, and a nice home… I was successful in life in a lot of ways. So how come I was so freakin’ unsuccessful in love?
What took me over a decade and about 1000 pints of ice cream to understand about love was that smart women could still be very dumb daters.
The kinds of things that matter in love aren’t necessarily the things that matter when it comes to having a great career or a busy social calendar. Once I understood the things that did matter, I was able to find a great guy who still loves me to this day.
If my story sounds annoyingly familiar, here are some of my Empowered Dating tips to help you with finding Mr. Right and ditching heartburn once and for all:
Empowered Dating Tip #1: Be the Leaf on a River of Men
I love a good challenge and I have great problem solving skills. These traits have been very helpful in my professional life, but very unhelpful in my dating life.
I always treated men like projects—trying to fix, change, save and domesticate them. The problem is that a man isn’t a roadblock at the office. A man is his own person and only he can make the decision to commit, be accountable, treat you right, work on keeping the passion in the connection, etc.
As much as you’d love to have the power to steer him on the life-road of your choosing, it’s not up to you. Attempting this is only going to cause you heartburn and snatch away a lot of your baby-making years.
With men, you have to stop looking for the challenge and go with the flow of the dating world. If it feels natural, easy, cozy, kind, sweet, tender, calm, safe (heck, almost boring), then you’re in the position for love to blossom.
Once you are resisting the message that a man is sending you, and that the universe is sending you about a man, you’re playing power games and your chances for a happy love life have gone “Poof!”
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Empowered Dating Tip #2: Be the Queen Bee
I’m a huge advocate of feminine energy when Empowered Dating. It’s not because I’m old school and traditional, it’s because it just works better for you. When you have feminine energy in the relationship, you stop twisting yourself into a pretzel to snag some guy who doesn’t deserve you.
As women, we are biologically prone to defining our self-worth through our relationships. Men are not as likely to do this. Because of this truth, it’s important for women to feel appreciated, adored and cherished. And men are happy to do these things for us because they define their sense worth through their power to provide.
When you are in your feminine energy, you are the queen bee of the hive. You are the center—still, calm and receiving. The men in your life are the worker bees—giving, doing, nurturing, offering, etc. They are buzzing around doing what they can to please you and you are appreciating them and building them up to go back out into the world and do their work.
Once you become the worker bee, the dynamic shifts and he’s the queen bee and men don’t want to be queens. He'll get bored and resent you for not making him accountable to the relationship. He’ll take you for granted and decide things on his clock—if he’s going to call you back, if he wants to see you, if he wants your sex, etc. Sound familiar?
Empowered Dating Tip #3: Fondue Yourself, Girl
A practical, get-it-done, let’s-talk-facts attitude is awesome for the work place. It’s not going to get you anywhere in love. It took me years to realize that men don’t fall in love with your intelligence and your ability to have witty banter. A man may enjoy these traits in you and respect you for them, but what makes him fall deeply in love is your vulnerability.
When you can soften your edges and turn your rough, severe corners into cushiony, velvety textures, you will draw him closer. He wants to feel like you are a safe place for him to reveal his underbelly. Your softer edges are the perfect place for him to rest his laurels.
To soften your edges, it’s important to get in touch with your feelings and senses. Forget about analyzing his behavior and nagging him about what he’s thinking and why he’s doing or not doing something; start listening to your insides. Think about when you put a seashell to your ear and hear the ocean—close your eyes, get out of the traffic of your thoughts and listen to your inner ocean.
While listening to your feelings, also indulge your senses and let your body be more sensitive to stimuli. Focus on relieving tension and walking in your curves. Imagine that your body is a palm tree in the breeze- swaying and bending with flexibility as you move.
Opening up to your feelings and body makes you emotionally safe to be around. The ice queen starts to melt and a goddess of light and love emerges. You become the fondue to his banana- soft, sweet, smooth, sexy and comforting.
Empowered Dating Tip #4: Be a Man’s Li’l Thunder Jacket
My pug mix is adorable. He is so sensitive to everything and it breaks my heart when the thunder comes because he panics so badly, I feel like he’s going to have a doggie heart attack. I got him this tiny jacket that holds him tight around his heart and tummy and the pressure relieves his anxiety. It’s really amazing how it works.
Well, I want you to be a man’s thunder jacket and make him feel safe and soothed in your presence. We all know that men aren’t usually comfortable with feelings, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have them. A smart woman knows how to be the LOVE GUIDE with a man and help hold his feelings.
When you are on a date think about my 3 steps to being compassionate and holding a man’s feelings for him:
Hear his feelings
Give him permission to step away from them
It goes like this:
You’re on a date and he talks about his job. He’s complaining or minimizing some serious stress.
You can see that he’s upset. You say, “Wow. That sounds stressful.” You’ve showed him that you hear his feelings.
He then perks up and says, “Yay. It can get rough at the office sometimes.”
You say, “It’s only natural that to be upset with that kind of pressure at work.” You’ve validated his feelings—showing him that he has a right to feel stressed out.
He then plays the man role and sucks it up, “Yay. But you know, you got to do what you got to do!”
You take the opportunity to say, “I understand what you’re saying, but you have the right to not only be upset but to take some real quality time for yourself and just step away from all that sometimes. You don’t have to carry that for everyone.” Bam! You’ve given him permission to do what he has to do for himself once and a while.
Do you see how these 3 steps soften a man and make him feel cared for by someone who understands self-soothing and self-care?
Empowered Dating Tips #5: Be a Saloon Door
So I’ve got you listening to your emotions with Empowered Dating Tip #3, now it’s time to speak up. A smart woman is a transparent woman—her inside and outside match. If you are having a crap day, express it. If you are upset with his behavior, tell him. If you are nervous about being on a first date, say it.
Know those saloon doors in the Old West—no knobs and no locks? The cowboys just swung on in the bar and then sashayed right out of there after a pint and a pistol-whippin. That’s how your communication should flow—stimuli come in, you feel something and you express what you feel so that it comes out fast and smooth.
Doing this makes you feel like a safe, no-drama, and no-mystery woman. See, men don’t like mystery the way you’ve heard others advise. Only the commitment phobes want to play those childish games. Real men like our depth—that’s what’s mysterious for them. They're captivated and intrigued by our ability to feel things on a deep level. Our vivid, beautiful, dark emotional lives are enchanting and enigmatic to men.
So many of us women are like most men—we’ve been taught to hide our feelings behind nurturing and giving and taking care of others. However, all that mothering is smothering and controlling. You are actually controlling a man when you try to mother him; you are controlling him to control your scary inner world.
It’s time stop hiding from your feelings and dive into a goddess world of soft, sensual, tender, tear-lined, laughter-filled edges. It’s time to date the men you feel are naturally easy to get along with. It's time to be the center of the relationship and not move around working for a man. It's time to fondue your rough edges and be sensual and vulnerable. Finally, it's time to hold a man’s feelings and be transparent so that he feels safe with you.
Check out my eBook, Red Rose Woman: The Enchantress Inside You. It’s all about empowered living—whether you're single and practicing Empowered Dating or in a relationship and thriving as the queen bee. My eBook gives you the tools to stop letting limited men dwindle your Female Fire and keep you from finding Mr. Right, who will further empower you as the enchanting goddess you are!