5 Breakup Rules You Need To Set To Heal Your Heart
Surviving a breakup is possible, but it's on you to make it happen.
Getty When you are going through a breakup, the prospect of getting on with your life seems completely impossible.
You are alone, in pain, missing your person, and you have no hope that you will ever be happy again. Your life is horrible and you aren’t sure how you are going to get through it.
But there are rules some of a breakup you should follow to help you get out of this pain as soon as possible.
I can promise you that you will get through it. Broken hearts don’t last forever, and there are some things that you can do to hasten their mending.
An important part of getting over your broken heart quickly is to set expectations for yourself. When you are going through a breakup, expectations allow you to be strong in the face of everything that is happening and have hope for the future.
Let me share some excellent boundaries you can set, so that you can get well and move on.
Here are 5 rules you need to set for yourself when going through a breakup.
1. Go "no contact" with your ex.
The number-one most important part of surviving a breakup and getting past it is to go "no contact."
Many of us seek to be friends with our ex, stalk them on social media, or ask their friends how they are. Generally, just going about life as if your ex was still a part of it.
This never works.
Following an ex on social media will show them looking happy, going on with their life, and finding someone new to love. This pain can stop you from moving on with your own life.
What you need to remember is that social media doesn't necessarily present the truth of someone’s life. The information you'll see isn’t necessarily real — but the pain it causes will be.
If you could let go of your obsession and not need to know everything about your ex's life, you'll be able to move on much sooner.
So, if there is one thing that you take away from this, it’s the importance of not being in contact with your ex. It will only extend the hurt and prevent you from moving on.
2. You will not seek closure.
If there is one thing that I don’t believe in, it's closure.
I believe that closure is just one more excuse to see your partner again and to try to convince them not to break up with you. When people seek closure, it rarely works out. And if it does, the relationship usually ends again somewhere down the line.
If your partner breaks up with you, accept it and move on. They may or may not have told you reasons that satisfy your need to understand why, but the reality is is that they no longer want to be with you, for whatever reason.
So, don’t seek closure. Go no contact on day one, and you will heal quicker that way.
3. Do not play the victim.
For many years, after my ex-husband and I divorced, I played the victim.
I told people that he left me for another person, that he walked away from me and destroyed our family. Woe is me. I was the good guy and he was the bad guy. Please pity me.
The truth of the matter is is that our marriage had not been healthy for a long time. I was unhappy, but not yet ready to give up on it. He decided to give up on it first, and I was devastated — devastated at being abandoned and at the prospect of my kids being "children of divorce." like I was.
What helped me most was when I stopped looking at myself as the one who'd been abandoned and started looking at myself as the person who was lucky to get out of a marriage that was making me unhappy. I had been given an opportunity to have a new life, and I started relishing it.
By not playing the victim, I was able to view myself as a strong woman. One who could live a good and successful life in spite of the cards that I had been dealt, marriage wise.
4. Take care of yourself.
For many, going through a breakup means curling up in your bed, eating ice cream, and binge-watching 1980s romance movies. And while this can work for a while because it comforts you, in the long run, it will only make the pain of going through a breakup worse.
You might be inclined to take time off of work since you're feeling sad after a breakup. If you love being at work, it will help keep you busy and surround you with people you care about. It will also prevent you from reaching out to your ex by keeping you occupied.
So, when you are going through a breakup, spend a few days wallowing in your pain, but then get up and start taking care of yourself. Exercise, eat well, and get some sleep.
Spend time with the family and friends who love you. Do something you love to do that you couldn’t do when you were part of a couple.
Dig yourself into your work. Whatever you can do to make you feel better about your place in the world and not mired in sadness about the person who walked away.
5. Keep the faith.
Many people believe that they will never love and be loved again. They feel so badly about themselves, that they can’t see any person ever loving them. They can't fathom ever truly loving someone again the way they loved their ex.
This never happens. You will be able to find someone again. And more often than not, the person you'll find later is far better than the one who broke up with you.
If you do your work after a breakup and identify what happened and what your role was in it, then you will seek someone who is good for you, nicer to you, and a better fit with your needs and lifestyle.
So, don’t give up on the fact that you will love and be loved again. Wallow for a bit, and then start taking care of yourself.
When you are healed, you will put energy out in the world that will attract you to the person you are meant to be with. I promise.
Setting expectations for yourself when going through a breakup is the best way to get through the pain and out the other side, intact.
Just lying on the couch wallowing in pain will get you nowhere. But if you make conscious decisions about how you are going to proceed with your life, decisions that you would make around work, exercise, and your overall goals, then you are way more likely to have success getting past your break up and moving on.
A broken heart is one of the worst things that you can go through in your life, but you — and only you — can heal it. So, set yourself some goals and expectations, and you will succeed.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based, certified life and love coach. Let her help you find, and keep, love in this crazy world in which we live. Email her and get started!