Amy told me about a recent conversation with the man she thought she wanted to marry:
"Am I the crazy one here? Why do I feel needy and desperate when I talk to him all of a sudden? I thought he loved me! I don't get it. He practically lives with me and I've never even seen his place! I've never met a man who spent so much time and energy trying to win me over. He took me on some amazing dates and made love to me in ways I never even thought possible! I fell in love with him! I love him! But when I suggested we have dinner with my parents, I didn't hear from him for a week! He disappeared. No phone, no text, no email. What the f*ck? I don't even know where he was for the last week. He travels a lot for work but before this, he'd call me from wherever he was. Then, out of the blue, he called me Sunday night to say he's "not ready" to meet my parents. He says, 'Can't we just keep things like they were? I love you, baby, but I really like things the way they are now. Why do you have to screw it up?'"
Sound familiar? Amy is dealing with a man who suffers from commitment-phobia and a deep fear of intimacy. His own negative self-beliefs about commitment, love and relationships will guarantee that this relationship won't last. He has no intention of making a commitment to her, and now that she is asking for a little more, he's finding reasons to back away. My best bet is that he will sabotage this relationship fairly soon and it will be over.
So, what are the signs of a commitment-phobe? See if any of these ring a bell for you:
1. He travels for work and is gone for a week or more at a time. Commitment-phobes, tend to choose jobs that allow for a lot of flexibility to travel, not work in an office and control their own schedules. This lifestyle also makes it easier to be unfaithful.
2. You haven't met each other's friends, family and/or co-workers. Commitment-phobes cannot be transparent with their activities. They tend to compartmentalize the different parts of their life. You won't know what their work life is like and you probably won't get to know their friends. They have a strong need to be able to hide what they are doing so they don't have to explain themselves. They can concoct some amazing excuses for why you can't meet their friends. Keep reading ...
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